WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Just 2 days ago, Rotters International reported that Jonathan Hopkins filed a lawsuit against American fast-food chain Burger King for 'cheating his money'.

Today we just received news that Burger King is now planning to sue the red-haired clown in the orange jumpsuit.

Burger King was reportedly displeased by the amount of trouble caused by McDonalds' due to its $2.80 set meal. Hopkins compared Burger King's three-dollar Whopper meal to McDonalds' and thought that the former was charging him more.

Said Greg Brenneman, C.E.O of Burger King, "I think food is not just about price wars, it's about being able to produce an edible product of high quality which will please your customers."

"McDonalds' certainly has the edge in financial strategy, but they have certainly lost out in making the better burger."

McDonalds' responded to Brenneman almost immediately. In a statement by Chief Executive Officer Charlie Bell, the worldwide popular fast food chain criticized Burger King, "Brenneman may be right about food, but there is no doubt that he is contradicting himself in what his chain can offer. If a beef patty can be so thin, I wonder what will happen to the fries. People might be eating fried string beans instead."

Bell has decided to take up Burger King's challenge and is also offering to back Hopkin's lawsuit against Brenneman. If the two do meet in court, it will be the first time these 2 fast food giants have gone head-on in the courtroom.



The 2 fast food giants will go head-to-head in the US Supreme Court of Justice.

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TECHNOLOGY

- reported by Osiris.

Sex.com, long coveted as potentially one of the most lucrative sites on the Web because of its catchy name, has been sold for $12 million in cash and stock.

Gary Kremen, chief executive of Grant Media LLC and the founder of Match.com, sold the address to a group of anonymous buyers. Terms of the transaction were not disclosed.

The domain is seen as one of the most recognizable and therefore finacially most promising names but does not currently have much content. The new owners, however, released an anonymous statement saying that they plan to transform Sex.com into "the market-leading adult entertainment destination" and include much more content.

Rotters International believes that Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi would have been involved in the transaction as his name appeared in Kremen's papers. Kremen was cautious enough to delete the identities of Sex.com's buyers before handing us the documents. Koizumi's name was noted, along with Mitsubishi UFJ Financial, the world's largest bank.

Either the Prime Minister authorized the use of the bank as a medium for the transaction, or that he was a subscriber on Sex.com. Rotters International was unable to get the subscription list.

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WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

As reported 3 days ago, Al-Qaeda's number 2 al-Zawahiri was believed to have been offered a contract by the Disney Channel to read children's poems.

Yesterday Rotters International was fortunate to have been given the opportunity to meet up with the Egyptian doctor and confirm the rumours.

At a Spinelli coffehouse in Kabul, Afghanistan, al-Zawahiri was excited to tell us about his new job.

"It's wonderful to read poems, especially to children! I used to read bedtime poems and rhymes to my son. But now that he's all grown up, I recite them to al-Syafiq's son. He loves them very much!"

He added, "It's pays more than staying in that stupid cave making lame and fake death threat videos."

He would not reveal the exact details of his contract, but mentioned that it was a 6-figure yearly pay for 3 years.

A spokesman for the Disney Channel said they were now actively involved in filming the new children's show and the earliest release date would be October 16th 2006.

Said Wang Zhikai, 15, from Singapore, who is a huge fan of the Disney Channel, "It's really cool to see al-Zawahiri reading my favourite poems like 'Itsy-Bitsy Spider' and 'Humpty-Dumpty'. I can't wait to catch it on the Disney Channel when it comes out. She-go rocks!"

Rotters International regrets to inform our readers that we have been receiving a number of letters and phone calls from the CIA following our interview with al-Zawahiri. Rotters Int. would like to take this opportunity to debunk any rumours that we are working with Al-Qaeda. We are just trying to get the news first and first-hand. Rotters Int. would also like to admit that Spinelli's coffee sucks and Starbucks would have made a better choice, but the latter did not set-up an outlet in Kabul.

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WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

A 45-year-old man has allegedly filed a lawsuit against one of the leading fast food chains in the world - Burger King.

Jonathan Hopkins from Pennsylvania is suing the American fast food chain for cheating him of his money.

In a statement he said that Burger King "as a reputable name has disappointed me with its menus". Hopkins was upset that he was charged $3.00 for a Whopper meal when the McDonalds' next door was promoting their new menu at $2.80.

"It saddens me that although it is the same type of food [burger] Burger King decides to cheat its customers and not respecting them."

Jonathan also said that the beef from Burger King was 'much thinner' than the patty sold by McDonalds'.

Burger King declined to comment on the issue, but from what Rotters International has gathered, the fast food chain is preparing for a big fight in court. If it turns out ugly, expect lettuce, tomatoes and of course beef to be flying in the courtroom.

Burger King is currently selling their Whopper meal at $3.00 while rivals McDonalds's new menu includes their new beef burger, super-large fries and hyper-tall coke for only $2.80. Both have yet to be sampled by Rotters International.

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WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Following the Jan 13 attack on a suspected Al-Qaeda meeting, the terrorist organization has released yet another videotape featuring Al-Qaeda's number 2 al-Zawahiri reciting poetry to jihadists.

There were no references to any recent events made in the video, so the CIA cannot conclude whether the video is a recent one. Our undercover reporter working in the agency managed to get his hands on the video and relayed the feed back to our headquarters.

The first 5 minutes showed the Egyptian doctor trying his best to read the works of Shakespeare. His English was not very good and he had trouble pronouncing some of the words. For example, when he said 'Thy' Rotters International initially mistaken it for 'Die'. So what we heard was "Die loaf Die-Self", which actually should mean "Thy love Thyself".

After struggling with old British poems, al-Zawahiri started to read his own poems. He excitedly introduced his English pieces "Sunsets" and "To bomb or be bombed" to the camera. Rotters International could only present the latter, because we could not make out a single word which he said in the first poem.

"To bomb or be bombed" by al-Zawahiri.

The ground shakes violently,
while I crap in my cave.
It is so strong
it knocks me off my potty.

Alfadi runs into my toilet
shouting that the birds have flown in from the West
crapping outside our cave non-stop
and then returning back to their nest.

I tell Alfadi to call Mustafa
and instruct him to start the counter-attack.
The Capitalist pigs think they are the winners
but we have yet to fuck them in the arse.

While the bombs rained on us,
somewhere in the US
we carry out Allah's plan
to eradicate the evil empire.

The faggot Ronald McDonald loses his hair
as we detonate the first one.
But the formula must have been wrong
as the rest of the restaurant remains intact.

Alfadi tries to reach Mustafa
but there is no signal in the cave.
So he walks out of our camp to get better reception
and gets hit by a Capitalist JDAM.

We hold a quick funeral for Alfadi.
He risked his life for Allah
but his stupidity ended it
in a bang.

Somehow the NYPD was quick.
Mustafa was arrested on the spot
but they didn't know that there was one more c4 on him
and he blew everyone up.

The next 3/4 of the poem is full of crap, so Rotters International decided against posting further. From here we can see that al-Zawahiri's command of the English language has greatly improved, though there is still room for improvement. Ah Fatt, you have got competition.

We have just received word that al-Zawahiri has been offered a 2-year contract at Disney Channel to read children's poems. Rotters International will try our best to contact him for confirmation. Do stay tuned to R.I. for the latest updates.



al-Zawahiri recites "Sunsets", one of 2 poems written by himself. We have an inkling feeling that he received help from William Wordsworth.

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ENTERTAINMENT

- reported by Da Vinci
Las Vegas, USA--- A strange sight greeted many at the MGM-Mirage Casino in Las Vegas last night. Elvis was seen alive and well and gambling his money away at the BlackJack table. Still dressed up in his white jumpsuit and gelled hair, "he waltzed into the foyer like he owned the damn place." said a security guard who wishes to remain anonymous.

According to many patrons of the casino that day, Elvis looked like he had not aged a day and had retained his stunning looks, pot-bellied, double-chinned and smelling of beer. When asked where he had been all these years and how come no one had heard of him until now, Elvis told Rotters reporter Andrews Mil what conspiracy theorists had hypothesized all along. Aliens had heard one of his songs when scanning radiowave frequencies and had mistaken the lyrics as an insult to their race and hence swooped down and zapped him aboard the ship where he received an Ass Probe.

"It was most painful." he said, grimacing while rubbing his butt.

When asked how come he could afford to spend so much gambling now since he had been gone for so long and was poor, he replied, "Interest over 60 odd years."

However, the night ended in tragedy when, filled with Vodka, Elvis got up on the stage and performed one of his songs. So horrible was his singing that it caused a riot of the likes the world had never seen before as thousands of patrons yanked him off the stage and stoned him to death with plastic gambling chips. Apparently, he had lost his voice when he was probed. Well, at least we now know he is truly dead...or is he? After the stoning, when forensics teams arrived on the seen to inspect the carnage, Elvis Presley's body was no where to be found. Has he been zapped by aliens again? We may never know.

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WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

NASA successfully launched its Pluto Exploration Programme today.

The rocket blasted off the Texas launch pad at 1330hrs local time, carrying with it the Doggy-II spacecraft, the brainwork of 10 scientists and veterinarians.

Doggy-II will take at least 9yrs to reach the planet, powered by solar energy. When it reaches the 9th planet of the solar system, the probe will attempt to enter the planet's atmosphere and analyse air samples.

The objective of the Pluto Exploration Programme was to find a partner for Mickey's long-time pet dog Pluto, who has remained single all these years.





The rocket carrying Doggy-II blasts off for planet Pluto.





"I've always wanted Pluto to have a companion, and NASA will help fulfill my dog's dream!" Mickey was excited when interviewed just before take-off.

Scientists believe that Pluto is home to only 1 species of dog, which is Pluto's breed named Canine Plutonius. Doggy-II will analyse each female dog carefully to determine which is worthy of becoming Pluto's wife. When one is found, the probe will open up a cage and lock the dog inside, then using jet propulsion of doggy fart it will launch itself back into space where it will dock with the mothership.

The cage is stocked with bones, meat, water and Pedigree, so Pluto's wife will feel very comfortable. Veterinarians have come up with a nutritious formula in the dog food so that Pluto's wife will not fall sick during the 9-year journey back to Earth.

When asked for comment, Pluto replied, "Woof Woof!"






Pluto will be married in 18 years time.

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HOME

- reported by Ah Fatt, also known as the very chee-bye Singapore correspondent.

Ho seh man! Lim peh has found the best chicken rice in town!

Last time Ah Fatt cannot find nice chicken rice. Outside hawker centre sell $3.50 to $4, wa lau eh, either rice too oily or chicken too hard or chilli boh spicy one. Mandarin Hotel's Chatterbox even better - $18 for one plate, which comes with a clear soup with few bits of tofu and 3 different sauces. It wasn't so bad, until the chef got sacked by the hotel. Ta ma de. Now the chef plan to open up his own stall and sell the chicken rice at cheap cheap price, though the size will be small small one.

Until he sets up his stall, there won't be any more good chicken rice, I thought. That was before I went to my grandmother's house yesterday.

Chinese New Year around the corner mah, so I decided to visit my grandparents. I don't know what my Ah Ma was cookin until she served the food to us. Wa seh, it's chicken rice and it smelt damn bloody good.

I immediately tucked into the fragrant rice which was cooked with fresh chicken stock and oil. The meat was damn soft and tender, it like melted in my mouth lor. And my Ah Ma was the best with her chilli sauce, even Ahmad's nasi lemak's sambal cannot compete.

I finished my food without leaving behind any scrap. Licking my lips clean, I thanked my Ah Ma for the wonderful dinner and suggested she open up a stall.




My Ah Ma.






"No need lah," she said. "I old alledi."

But after much persuasion from her grandson, she agreed to start a business.

So all you people out there, if you die die want to eat the best chicken rice, I suggest you drop by BLK 493 Toa Payoh Ave 4 #03-56. Ring the doorbell and be patient because my Ah Ma is slow in her movement. The chicken rice is free, although you will have to help out with some of the household chores first, because she is too old to manage by herself.




My Ah Ma's house is somewhere here.




Rotters International wishes to apologize for Ah Fatt's poor command of the English language. He is trying his best to improve and has shown remarkable achievements in sentence structuring recently. One must remember that Ah Fatt comes from a Chinese-speaking family and only received English education when he was in Sec 3, hence he nearly failed his GCE'O' Levels. But thanks to his friend's help during the examinations, he scraped through. He currently covers local stories with local flavour, under the title 'chee-bye singapore correspondent'.

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ENTERTAINMENT

- reported by Osiris.

Could it be happening? That Brad Pitt is reuniting with his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston?

The duo were spotted having dinner at a restaurant in Marseille, France. The once-superstar couple were engaged in an hour long conversation, with papers laid out on the table, possibly to patch up their divorced relationship.

They left separately at approximately 10:03pm as noted by a paparazzi cameraman. (He does not work for Rotters International, mind you)

Jennifer Aniston was prevented from going back to her hotel room by a paparazzi group of 5 reporters and cameramen who swarmed around her once she got off her taxi. With no choice, she publicly made her statement.

"Yes, Brad and I had dinner together just now. But the rumor about me re-maryring him is absolutely bullshit. We were discussing over unfinished business with regards to the $1000 he lost in a Roulette game while we were in Las Vegas in 2004."

Apparently Brad had make an awful mistake of betting $250 on the number 13, the money borrowed from Jennifer. He lost the money as the white ball landed on number 14 instead. After a couple of rounds, the noob Brad had already lost $1000 which he had not returned Jennifer ever since.

"I realised then that Brad was really a sucker."

Apparently the ex-Friends star sued her ex-husband for not paying up what he owed her. To save his face from the front page of the papers, Brad paid up quietly at the restaurant.

However that did not save him from making the headlines on Rotters International.

On Brad's current relationship with Tomb Raider star Angelina Jolie, Anniston said coldly, "I don't understand how that bitch managed to get pregnant."




A Jennifer-Brad reconcilation? Aniston says no-no.

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BUSINESS

- reported by Osiris.

Nokia, the world's number 1 mobile phone manufacturer has announced plans to cut almost 2000 jobs at its base in Helsinki, Finland.

The reason was that Nokia saw a slump in shares and profits in Q4 of 2005, supposedly caused by the drop in sales of Nokia phones. Consumers were more attracted to the unique and stylish designs of Korean manufacturer Samsung and Japan's Sony Ericsson.

And the cause for Nokia's design flaws would be its Chief Designer Greg Horman. Horman, who has worked with the Finnish company for almost seven years, played an important role in Nokia's success in previous years with his then-trendy designs, for example the 8250 and 6610, which had earned the title of 'most basic and user-friendly phones'.

However as the IT industry progresses into the next stage, Horman's designs still remained almost the same as that 1999 drawing board, except for a few external changes.

While Nokia had introduced its brand-new N-Series, which features the 2-megapixel video phone N90 along other N-models, sales were not as what Nokia had expected.

"It's disappointing. The figures are a record low, while they [Samsung] enjoy high profits. It must be the design of our phones." said Jorla Ollila, CEO of Nokia.

"Horman tried his very best to revolutionize the phone concept, but somehow it didn't work out the way he wanted, and the profits didn't go the direction we wanted. So we had no choice but to sacrifice a talented company asset."




The Nokia N90. Who would waste so much money for a video-camera phone which looks quite ordinary?




Horman could not be reached for comment, possibly locking himself in his bedroom and crying at press time after receiving the news of his sacking.

Rotters International decided to conduct a survey to find out whether Nokia phones were losing its popularity. The results were astonishing.

Percentage who dislike Nokia:
US : 67%
UK : 69%
Japan : 99%
South Korea : 95%
Australia : 73%

We were unable to obtain the results from Singapore at press time as our very chee-bye correspondent was sleeping on the job. But not to worry, after being given a stern warning, he has vowed to be more hardworking.

How the almost-2000 retrenched workers will cope is unknown, but Nokia says that they are looking into the matter seriously and will make sure that every ex-employee will be able to find another job in the similar job sector.

Samsung's spokesman was undoubtedly delighted when he spoke to Rotters International.

"It goes to show that our concepts and designs are modern and stylish and appeal to the common people. We don't need to go to extremes like Carl Zeiss lens to sell well."






The Samsung e760. What no need to go to extremes - what use does the motion recognition technology have? Another ploy to cheat our money right?

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SPORT

-reported by Osiris.

Manchester United. Arsenal. Chelsea. Liverpool. In a few weeks or so you might catch the big names of these 4 clubs waking down Orchard Road.

Yes, dear EPL fans. The soccer players who have earned Starhub millions of dollars in subscriptions for the Sports Group are coming to Singapore, together with the respective club boards.

They will be here for a week-long campaign to promote Singapore's revamped S-League, which will see local stars playing at a more professional level.

And the local soccer kits will be bikinis.

The English clubs will also be visiting the Singapore Sports School and various institutions to scout for local talent.

Said Ahmad Bolak, 14, from Woodlands Secondary, "It's damn shiok to know that my favourite Man Utd players are coming. I love to play soccer, and I definitely do my best one when they visit my school lor. I want to play for Man Utd when I grow up! I want to be like Christiano Ronaldo. He very pro!"

Sorry Ahmad, but Rotters International just received word that Man Utd is skipping your school in favour of more renowned institutions like ACS (I) and RI.

Tan Na Bee of the Singapore Sports Council was pleased with the upcoming arrival of the EPL clubs.

"They'll definitely boost Singapore's image as an international hub and will help garner more support from locals for the S-League." he smiled gleefully.

I see dollar-signs rolling in your eyes, Mr Na Bee. Why is that so?







Christiano Ronaldo will turn his back to Ahmad Bolak and Woodlands Secondary when the Red Devils visit Singapore.

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WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Having concluded his trip to Northern China, North Korean President Kim Jong Il seems to love his neighbourly 'big brother'.

The North Korean Foreign Ministry quoted the leader as saying, "China is a wonderful place. The air is fresh and the scenery is beautiful. North Korea and China have a lot in common, but we also have a lot to learn still."

It seems that Kim Jong Il's favourite Chinese dish is stewed pig's brain in snake's blood. He was reported to give 'two thumbs up' after sampling the dish at a village cook hall and asked the chef to serve more.




Kim Jong Il likes to eat stewed pig's brain in snake's blood.





When asked by Rotters International for comment, the Chinese Foreign Ministry appeared to be 'very shocked' and 'disgusted'.

"We appreciate Kim Jong Il's fondness for our country. However as our little brother, he must understand that we do not have a lot in common. We are a big piece of land; he only owns the northern part of an island. Our economy is greatly surging forward; he is still experiencing poverty...OOPS!"





"What the hell? Don't anyhow talk about your big brother!" China's Foreign Ministry spokesman on Kim Jong Il's comments.


On the North Korean leader's love for the exotic Chinese dish:

"He is a stupid idiot. What he tasted was just a mere copycat of what I eat everyday. I always go to this eatout on Lanjiao District called Bin Dai Fong. I have my order braised with monkeys' testicles, which makes the soup much thicker."

Rotters International visited Bin Dai Fong, only to find out that it was a mediocre copycat of the famed Chinese restaurant Din Tai Fung.





The Bin Dai Fong which Rotters International visited, supposedly selling delicious stewed pigs' brains in snake's blood braised with monkeys' testicles.

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WORLD

- Reported by Osiris.

US President George W Bush today sent out a stern warning to Iran regarding its nuclear programme. Iran had caused controversy by restarting its reactors and development centres, which are capable of making nuclear weapons.

"Washington and the rest of the world will not tolerate Iran's ignorance and aggressiveness in the Middle East. They are violating international regulations and pose a serious threat to world peace."

Bush added, "If they do not comply, we will refer them to the UN Security Council. We do not want things to turn out that way but if Iran persists, then we have to take the necessary action."

This was the seventeenth time Washington has warned that they will refer Iran to the UNSC if President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad does not shut down its nuclear programme.

"Force will be used if necessary, and they will be fucked." Bush was noteably aggressive when speaking to reporters. "Don't they remember what happened to their neighbour [Iraq]?"








"Force will be used if necessary, and they will be fucked." George W Bush on Iran.



Ahmadinejad defended his country's rights to nuclear technology.

"We only restarted the nuclear programme for peaceful purposes - energy. Iran needs power and to deprive a country of its survival essentials is to indirectly attack her."

Ahmadinejad also reminded that they were doing all these under the supervision of the International Atomic Energy Agency in a bid to prove that his country was not trying to involve itself in any illegal hostile activities.

IAEA declined to comment on Iran's nuclear programme, but a spokesman told us that Iran must 'be careful'.

However an Iranian source which declined to be identified contacted Rotters International with information about IAEA officers being kept in the dark by Iran and that what the officers see are just 'a curtain to shield the wrongdoings'.








"...to deprive a country of its survival essentials is to indirectly attack her." Mahmoud Ahamdinejad on Iran's right to nuclear technology.

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On the 19th Jan 2006 at 7:29pm, the final html encoding for the website's layout has been concluded.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting to you the newly-founded newswire - Rotters International.

Do check back regularly for news happenings around the world, as you never know when the next breaking news will occur.

And now, for the commercial break.

-- End of transmission --

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