The News That Should Have Been...

ROTTERS IS MOVING

2006-12-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

Rotters Int. will be moving to a new host Wordpress.com. This historical move should be completed in 24 hrs, unless the United Nations Security Council imposes sanctions on us.

Our new URL will be rottersint.wordpress.com. Stay tuned, as Rotters Int. remains committed as ever to bringing you the latest stories.

ON LEAVE

2006-12-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

COMPANY ANNOUNCEMENT

This is a company announcement that writer Da Vinci will be on leave from tomorrow till the 29th of december. He will be travelling to the land where vulgarities sound like compliments, the food is heavenly and the babes too hot to handle - France. Till then, he wishes all and sundry a very merry christmas and may Santa be generous and not drop a C4 in your stocking. Especially YOU Ah Fatt!!!

Cheers,

Da Vinci
Co-Chief Editor
Rotters International

POLONIUM TRAIL LEADS TO GERMANY, HITLER QUESTIONED

2006-12-10T22:52:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

British detectives investigating the death of ex-Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko have arrived in Berlin to meet German officials after radiation traces were found in two brothels owned by ex-leader Adolf Hitler.

Britain's MI-6 received a tip-off from their German counterparts after five female prostitutes turned up at a local hospital with symptoms of radiation poisoning. Doctors confirmed that all five tested positive for the substance polonium, but did not state if the prostitutes' lives were endangered.

German police officers have held Hitler at the Federal Intelligence Services headquarters for questioning, but insisted that the former Nazi leader is 'not under arrest'. A top-ranking officer, who requested not to be named due to the fact that the questioning was not supposed to be disclosed, told Rotters Int, "Hitler is giving us his full cooperation, but at the moment we are still in the beginning stages of questioning." He did not give any further details.

Britain has requested that Hitler be indicted to London where the police can proceed with a more 'comprehensive interrogation', but Germany is reluctant to do so. Sources from Berlin tell us that the Chancellor is afraid that Britain will lock Hitler in the Madame Tussauds wax museum.

"If it is a human figure, then we are alright with it. But if the British are going to display Hitler as Churchill's meatloaf, then we cannot allow them to do so." quoted a letter from Germany's foreign ministry.

German authorities insist that Hitler is not under arrest.

Since the end of World War II, when Germany surrendered to the Allies after the Jewish Hot-dog Attack on the capital city, Adolf Hitler had spent his time rebuilding the country's economy, employing homeless women to work as sex workers. He is the owner of twelve brothels with a net worth of more than twenty billion Euros, and is currently ranked twenty-five on the Forbes 100 richest men in the world.

MI-6 suspects that Hitler received supplies of polonium, along with other radioactive substances, during the second World War, when it was known that the Nazi leader was pursuing weapons of mass destruction. Although this is merely preliminary speculation, British tabloid The Daily Mirror has implicated that Moscow was responsible for the sale, and that former Soviet leader Stalin had been secretly supplying his enemy with weapons in exchange for victory against the German army.

Stalin, who is currently resting under a Russian Hawthorne tree, could not be reached for comment.

MORE RAINBOW SIX COMIC STRIPS

2006-12-10T22:27:00.000+08:00

GAMING

- reported by Osiris.

Found more strips pertaining to Rainbow Six: Vegas in the Penny Arcade archives. Enjoy.

FUNNY RAINBOW SIX COMIC

2006-12-10T22:10:00.000+08:00

GAMING

- reported by Osiris.

This is taken from Penny Arcade, two gamers who can draw really well.

In case you are scratching your head and asking yourself what is so funny about this strip, Penny Arcade is basically mocking communication problems which may arise in an international counter-terrorism team.

Rotters Int. had the opportunity to test out Rainbow Six: Vegas, courtesy of GameAxis. A concise review will be published in the January issue of GameAxis Unwired, but we will be posting our initial version on the portal soon. Stay tuned!

ELMO APPROVES CONGRESS APPROVAL OF INDIA NUCLEAR SALE, PAKISTAN VOICES DISCONTENT

2006-12-09T22:31:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

The red and furry nincompoop Elmo has signed a new legislation into US law, where it is now allowed to export civilian nuclear fuel and technology to India for the first time in 30 years. The vote follows an agreement earlier this year between the Sesame Street corporation and the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

Under the deal, energy-hungry India, whose development rate is rapid, will have access to US civil nuclear technology and fuel, in return for opening its nuclear facilities to the Sesame Street corporation where future TV shows will be recorded.

Its nuclear weapons sites, however, will still remain off-limits.

Elmo is confident of the new deal.

Elmo told Rotters Int. that the new deal is a step forward to improving ties between the world's only superpower and one which is emerging.

"We have to give them the fuel because it is a necessity for India. We don't want the day to come when India has to threaten with its weapons arsenal in order to get what they want to survive." He was comparing with the North Korean situation, when the communist country recently hit South Korea with a big stick in a bid to remind the world that they are still a nuclear threat.

Prime Minister Singh was proud of the new agreement. "Now, besides the nuclear fuel, we also have Sesame Street shows for the children. They don't have to watch street puppet shows any more!"

Neighbouring Pakistan, who has never been on good terms with India and also has a nuclear weapons arsenal, condemned the new trade deal. President Musharraf called the agreement a "brave move to ignite a war."

"Everyone knows what India will do to the nuclear fuel. They will spice it up such that it can be used in weapons, just like what they do to the curry."

"I am sick of Elmo. I bet you're sick of Elmo as well. Yesterday he just asked me to tickle him twenty times!"

The Pakistani President added, "When they set up their TV studios, they will blare it over the PA system and try to convert the kids in our country to watch their capitalist shows instead of our local Ali Baba and the Prophet series." Sesame Street executives declined to comment, but Cookie Monster said this,

"I have COOKIES! They have no cookies! COOKIES! Munch munch!"

"Oh no! Not Elmo again!"

EX-SOCIALISTS HIRE PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS

2006-12-09T22:01:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Senior members of the Socialists' Party in Iceland have hired a private investigation team to scout the Republic of Jacked China for any possible threats.

The services of famous duo of Sam and Max have been acquired to ensure that the country is safe before they move in. Earlier Socialists had heard rumors that the police officers in the Republic of Jacked China had been ordered to shoot any Socialist on sight. The senior members are currently holding up in undisclosed areas, and we have confirmed that they have not moved to Jacked China yet. It is believed that they have made plans to move in on January 3 2007, but security precautions had to be taken.

Sam and Max will make sure that Republic of Jacked China is safe for the senior Socialists to move in.

Said a senior official, who declined to be named because of the sensitivity of the issue, "We cannot fully trust the Republic of Jacked China yet, because we all know that the Icelandic administration has ties with them. But of course we do not want to hurt any relationship even before moving, so we are just takin the right and necessary steps."

No official from the Republic of Jacked China would comment on the rumor.

Sam and Max will sniff the town areas for any clues of suspicious characters. It is understood that corrupt police officers will smell heavily of donuts, and Sam will be able to pick up the scent.

"We are pleased that the Socialists party have engaged us to be in-charge of their security, and Max and I are confident that we will do a good job." Sam told Rotters Int. in a phone interview. The two private investigators are currently investigating the trail of a TV show in a TV studio, and should arrive in the Republic of Jacked China on Tuesday.

Sam and Max are known for their harsh interrogation tactics which will make people want to pee in their pants.

THE STATE OF FOOD

2006-12-09T19:36:00.000+08:00

HOME

-reported by Da Vinci.

Not too long ago I found myself walking down Orchard road looking for some good eats but to no avail. It was then that I came to realise that hey, there are really no good eateries along this major thoroughfare unless you are willing to fork out at least $20 per person at a decent restaurant. So as a patriotic citizen, I decided to embark on a search mission to find the secret locations of some of the best local fare here. I decided to set out to ascertain the state of food on this island nation.

0800 hours
Early in the morning, I found myself parked behind a plastic blue table at an indian coffeeshop shoveling roti prata into my mouth. Located opposite Beauty World shopping mall, Al-Azhar coffeeshop is a favourite among the residents there and serves some pretty good prata. They are only 60 cents per prata and come out fresh, hot and crispy. You can eat it with sugar or with some of the killer curry which they serve there. Another thing which they are famous for is the milo dinosaur. Imagine a beer mug filled to the brim with milo, ice cubes and milo powder along with an optional scoop of vanilla ice cream and you've got an energising chocolate milkshake with a Singaporean twist to it. Apart from that, they also serve a really good red bean milkshake.

1100 hours
After that heavy breakfast my mind is wondering where to go next to fill up my stomach. The answer is the original Killiney Road Kopitiam for a morning snack of kaya toast and coffee. The kaya is homemade and fresh while the bread is toasted the traditional way, over a charcoal grill, giving it a smoky taste and a crunch which you cannot get from using the high-tech toasters of today. It is reasonably priced to boot.

1300 hours
I have made my way to the Bishan neighbourhood and have stopped at the S-11 coffeeshop next to Junction 8 shopping centre for lunch. There is a stall known only to residents of the nearby HDB flats and the students of Raffles who's school is next door. That stall is the "Qiu Lian Ban Mian" stall. Ban Mian is basically flat handmade noodles. There, they cook the noodles before your very eyes in a tasty broth filled with minced pork, leafy greens and an egg. It is really cheap at $2.50 for a big bowl. Wash it all down with the potent $1 iced lemon tea sold at the drinks stall there.

1930 hours
Dinner, we can afford to splurge a bit so I decided to head over to Dome. The main courses there are pretty typical of a western cafe, but the highlight here is the dessert and the coffee. The Apple Crumble with Vanilla Ice cream is killer. I recommend taking the crumble cold, not heated up. That way everything is denser and the chill really brings out the flavour. Then comes the coffee. They serve good coffee here, second only to Coffee Club in my opinion. At Dome, try the Cafe Vienna, a sinful cup of one shot espresso infused with whip cream with a foam cap and topped with chocolate shavings. Simply heaven.

So there you have it, some of the nicest and cheapest places in Singapore to eat. If you are a foreigner here don't be suckered by the Newton Circus tourist trap. Go to these places instead for good, cheap, classic Singaporean food. For more information, please email rottersint@gmail.com. Ah Fatt will be pleased to attend to your call, now that he has finished his Hello Kitty review.

NEW TMNT MOVIE TRAILER

2006-12-08T18:21:00.000+08:00

ENTERTAINMENT

- reported by Osiris.

The pizza-eating turtles are back to save the day in glorious 3D animation. Watch the latest trailer for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on MTV online. Click on the poster to view it now!

DELECTABLE CAKES

2006-12-08T00:05:00.000+08:00

HOME

- reported by Osiris .

Recently my aunt got married ( finally ) and she had a simple wedding ceremony. However being a food expert, she ordered a huge box of cakes for each of her sisters present. The sweet delicacies included chocolate fudge, coffee, cheesecake and strawberry. They were very good - in fact a close competitor of Bakerzin's!

I do not know the price, but I reckon they do not come cheap. The name of the bakery is Canelé Pâtisserie Chocolaterie, a sister of the Les Amis chain of French restaurants. So you can be sure that the cake you are buying is no ordinary one. Here is the bakery's website: http://lesamis.com.sg/webtop/canele/

If you are looking for other quality cakes but at a cheaper price, check out the Deli at Goodwood Park Hotel. This cake counter is most famous for its lineup of durian delicacies like cakes, puffs and puddings. However I am never a fan of the 'king of fruits', and was more mesmerized by the blackforest cake. It certainly is like no other - the chocolate is just right, and it melts in your mouth. No, not M&Ms. However they could be a little more generous with the blueberries.

If you are wondering why I am recommending a hotel deli as a cheaper alternative, here is the answer. The deli has a 50% discount on all cakes on weekdays after 8pm. Many people already know of this promotion, so if you do not want your favourite cake to become someone else's dessert, then be early. Do not be surprised to find 'vultures' already waiting before the hour.

This is absolutely true! I know most of the articles here are half-accurate, but this is no bluff and I shall take full responsibility for my food report!

MICROSOFT'S ZUNE SALES 5TH; APPLE TO LAUNCH NEW IPOD

2006-12-06T12:30:00.000+08:00

TECHNOLOGY

- reported by Osiris.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs and Microsoft's founder Bill Gates go head-to-head in the new MP3 war.

In the first week after its launch, software giant Microsoft's new MP3 player Zune is ranked 5th on the sales chart, according to market researcher NPD Group Inc.

The Microsoft Zune MP3 player.

This achievement by Microsoft has sent a warning message to current MP3-sales king Apple that the new kid on the block has what it takes to claim some of the Ipod's turf. Apple's Ipod series of MP3 players is currently the world's bestseller.

To deal with the rising challenge of Microsoft, Apple's Chief Executive Officer Steve Jobs has announced a new inclusion to the Ipod series. The Ipod Floppy, which is shaped like a floppy disk and has 1.44mb of memory, is set to be launched together with the Ipod Flea 2.0 on Christmas Eve.

Said Jobs, "The Ipod Floppy caters to the older generation who want to keep up with the improvements in technology but whose shaky hands will result in numerous cases of ( Ipod ) Nanos dropping and shattering on the floor." The price is estimated to be within US$100 - $250.

The Ipod Floppy is said to be a scaled-down version of the Ipod Video, but tech gurus cannot help but wonder how the 1.44mb memory will be able to store enough music or videos. "It's ridiculous," PC Mag writer Wayne Dose told Rotters Int. "They are just taking advantage of the folks who know little of tech and specs."

Apple's new Ipod Floppy will go on sale this Christmas Eve.

With a successful sales launch of its Zune MP3 player and also its next-gen gaming console Xbox 360, Microsoft will certainly be looking forward to healthy profits during the Christmas season. CEO Bill Gates recently announced a new Word Processor for computer users.

"This new Word Processor will be able to process letters much more efficiently than our previous Office softwares. Instead of just allowing you to type on the PC, the W.P will also let you print it out immediately, so you do not have to buy an external printer. This will certainly save consumers and commercial users a lot of money." Gates did not state if the W.P would be compatible with Mac systems.

The new Word Processor announced by Microsoft.

NINTENDO WII MANUAL TRANSLATED

2006-12-06T12:19:00.000+08:00

TECHNOLOGY

- reported by Osiris.

The guys at Gizmodo.com have successfully translated the Japanese manual of the new Nintendo console Wii. ( link ) We are unable to publish the entire article on our portal due to copyright issues, but here's one of the many pictures which should get you interested in clicking on the link.

ICELAND COMPILATION

2006-12-06T11:53:00.000+08:00

We have compiled all the reports from the hottest news story which happened in the Republic of Iceland first. Enjoy your read!

Unrest in Iceland - Sat 21 Oct 2006

Special Coverage of Iceland - Mon Oct 23 2006

Iceland on Brink of War - Mon Oct 23 2006

A Look into Iceland - Tues Oct 24 2006

War in Iceland - Wed Oct 25 2006

War Really Breaks Out in Iceland - Mon Oct 30 2006

Interview with Col. Andrews - Mon Oct 30 2006

President Speaks to Iceland - Fri Nov 10 2006

Transcript of Interview with Col. Andrews - Fri Nov 10 2006

War Over, But Iceland in Ruins - Mon Dec 4 2006

Socialists Receive Letter from President - Wed Dec 6 2006

Ex-Socialists Hire Private Investigators - Sat 9 Dec 2006

- Rotters Int.

COMPILATION OF NEWS ARTICLES

2006-12-06T11:48:00.000+08:00

As our online portal is blog-styled, many of our older news articles have to be found by sieving through the monthly archives. To make reading easier, we will be categorising all our articles based on their genre. The links will be available on the right nav-bar, and this update is expected to be complete by the weekend. We appreciate your patience and hope to serving you better with more interesting reads.

- Rotters Int.

SOCIALISTS RECEIVE LETTER FROM PRESIDENT

2006-12-06T11:25:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Apologies from Rotters Int., as this report should have been published days ago.

As reported earlier, all senior staff members of the Socialists Party have left the Republic of Iceland for neighbouring Republic of Jacked China. A week after they held a celebratory dinner at the Swissotel "Scamming" Merchant Court, each member received a letter signed by the President Bobby K himself.

In the letter, with the country's seal in full colour on the top left corner, President Bobby thanked the senior staff members of the Socialists for their contributions to the Republic of Iceland during their four years in the party. However he did not give a reason for his absence from the dinner, nor did he state any regrets with regards to the Socialists' departure. He also sent his best wishes to the Socialists' future endeavors ( political or not ) in the Republic of Jacked China or other countries. ( So far only one senior Socialist party member is known to have left for Hot Curry India. )

Attached with the letter was a pink form urging Socialists to make a contribution to the rebuilding of Iceland. Socialists were not amused. Said one, "The country has so much monetary reserves, why do they need our money? This is a total scam by the disgraced administration and they're not feeling ashamed about it!"

Another senior member who made a small donation was more sympathetic, "I think it's yi shi yi shi, as in just a symbol only, because Iceland doesn't need our money."

HELLO KITTY : BUBBLEGUM FRIENDS REVIEW

2006-12-05T19:16:00.000+08:00

GAMING

- reported by Ah Fatt.

Nabei those two bastards Osiris and Da Vinci force Ah Fatt to play Hello Kitty game, and ask me to review some more, so here lor. This is the KNN review for the Hello Kitty game.

First of all hor, this PC game is by Valusoft one - cheap games value for money. Ya, so don't expect Hello Kitty to be some shiok game like Counter-Strike or Battlefield 2. The games are all puzzle-type one, with Hello Kitty and all her friends. ( that's why title called like that wad... ) But then hor, although quite easy to play one, Ah Fatt thinks this kind of game use Flash also can make. They should make it free lah. Sell for what? Cheat geenah money.

No need to say more one la. Simple puzzle games - just liddat. Ah Fatt recommend you play this only when you are feeling so sian that you are even tired of your favourite games. Don't buy it, Ah Fatt will gladly burn it for you, but you must pay Ah Fatt a bit of money la. Eh now GST going to increase, you want one better tell Ah Fatt now hor.

Na, this is some screenshots that Ah Fatt took. Even IGN also don't have lor, I think.

p.s. Ah Fatt just uninstalled the game. My computer space very precious you know or not.

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM ROTTERS INT.

2006-12-05T18:20:00.000+08:00

In case you saw the Rotters Int. URL on a comic published in local gaming magazine GameAxis and hoped to get a soft copy of the 3-page action-packed thriller, the Rotters Int. team regrets to inform you that the comic will NOT be available online. This is to prevent any infringement of copyright acts which may be held by the company, and we regret any inconvenience caused.

However, if you wish to see more of the Stikfas comic strips, you may drop us an email and tell us your requests. These can be for personal or corporate uses, but each request comes with a charge of not more than $40 Sing Dollars. The team specialises in military themes, but special requests may be entertained.

Thank you.

- Rotters Int.

NASA TO BUILD MOON BASE; GOD LAUGHS

2006-12-05T17:25:00.000+08:00

SCIENCE

- reported by Osiris.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration ( NASA ) plans to return humans to the moon - an objective called for by President Bush in 2004 - including setting up a permanent outpost on the moon that would be used as a launch pad to reach Mars.

An artist's impression of a moon base. Polarity was not stated.

The outpost will either be on the North or South pole of the moon because it is 'more sunny' there, according to deputy administrator Shana Dale. Astronauts will be able to sun-bathe and play moon volleyball, which has been confirmed as one of the regular exercises the astronauts have to undertake when they leave Earth. Crops like wheat and potatoes can also be grown under sunlight to provide astronauts with a steady supply of food, in case the space shuttle Columbia explodes again.

NASA plans to send astronauts to the moon by 2008, and construction of the base is expected to complete by 2012. To facilitate the volleyball exercises, crews of five will stay on the base to enable a two teams of two with an umpire. The duration of their stay will be three weeks long and shifts are then rotated. NASA is currently experimenting with a new spacecraft which will transport the astronauts to and fro, as the flight engineers are not confident with the usage of space shuttles, which has been in service since 1981.

While NASA intends to reach Mars and search for Heinekken bars and other signs of life, the number one objective is to set-up another base to enable future visits to heaven, which is approximately a few cloud nines away. President Bush himself approved the expedition and acknowledged the need to turn to seniors for more helpful advice, after the disappointing results in the November elections. "God knows everything, and this is the time when the people of America have to see the light and be enlightened. I cannot rely on a old man to run a study group in Iraq, and thus God will prove very helpful in this case." President Bush said in an interview with Rotters Int.

"Mars is the perfect place to camp, because I love eating them bars." said chief scientist Kis Mias. "Launching from Mars would significantly decrease the distance to heaven greatly."

During a phone interview, God laughed almost hysterically when he heard about the news. "Heaven cannot be reached by any means! They think that the big bright light is my residence? You gotta be kidding - it's just my old Christmas star which I had thrown away 183 christmas-es ago!"

When asked about the assistance Bush needed, God said, "If he won't listen to his fellow old men, would he even bother learning from one who has lived ever since the first polonium appeared in the universe?"

"Heaven cannot be reached by any means! You shall not pass!"

MOVIE STORYBOARD FOUND

2006-12-05T16:49:00.000+08:00

ENTERTAINMENT

- reported by Osiris.

Rotters Int. received an email with the following picture attachment.

The email claimed that it was a leaked draft storyboard from a Paramount Pictures studio which contained the first ten seconds of the movie Rainbow Six, featuring locations in Singapore. The movie project had remained stagnant ever since director John Woo left the production team, and it had been shuffled among different studios.

Rotters contacted Paramount Pictures for confirmation and more details, but instead received a negative reply. In the email, Dean Chervest wrote:

Rainbow Six is still on the drawing board, but the attached storyboard does not belong to us. In fact, we have lost all our actual storyboards due to a fire in our design studio two months ago, and we're currently working with the team on a new storyline. We regret to say that Singapore is not on the list of our locations, as we're thinking more of a European or American setting.

A tiring search to find the owner of the mystery storyboard ended when we were contacted by a young Singaporean director who declined to be named. He apologised for causing so much confusion and inconvenience with the leak of his storyboard, and also gave us some details of the actual project.

The storyboard indeed was based on Tom Clancy's novel and video game series Rainbow Six, and it was intended for a 60-second advertising video which was to be an entry for a video competition organized by Pinnacle and local magazine publisher Hardware Zone. The director acknowledged that the storyboard was a first draft, hence the shabby quality. He also told us that the story will be based entirely in Singapore, but declined to give more information, since the production team and set details have yet to be arranged.

CRAZY MAN AND LOUSY GAME

2006-12-04T19:17:00.000+08:00

HOME

- reported by Ah Fatt.

Today Ah Fatt decided to go Funan Digitalife Mall to jalan-jalan for fun because the game he supposed to review somehow never come in. Seriously man, New Era damn one kind. Boss already say want review by this Sunday then New Era still take own sweet time. Think damn funny issit? Knock your head ah!

Then so Ah Fatt quite CMI, got nothing to do, so do wad? go PK computer and play Gears of War lor. Wah, ke si man, tat game the graphic chao ji pro one man! No joke. Ah Fatt see liao want to go touch the screen, like real man! But then Ah Fatt play a bit more and discover why graphic so zhai. Why leh? Because developer want to distract you from gameplay, which is damn bo yong one. Your character walk walk until so damn slow, then run that time camera shake shake shake. Ah Fatt know developer trying to be realistic but xiao issit? camera shake until Ah Fatt don't know run where then kenna shot at. Again think very funny issit? Ah Fatt last time go NS have enough of shake shake liao ok?

Then best is this, hero live in the super future with a lot of high-tech gun and armour. But hero dun wear helmet, and so how? Simple, limbei no crosshair la!! KNN man, enemy come out then limbei try to shoot but bullet fly here fly there like drunken man shoot like that. Hit everything except enemy. Wad is this man. Then precision aim that time also one stupid circle. U think this is wad gun, shotgun issit? xiao one. Limbei play online with Osiris co-op on Xbox live (he somehow got 360 in the supply drop while in Iceland ) also die how many time. Cannot think Ah Fatt play single player how man. Tmd...

So Ah Fatt very fast give up, then want to go home liao, so walking to MRT station when suddenly this old mamak come out to me and poke his walking stick at Ah Fatt's groin! Ah Fatt nearly take out his MP-5 and spray him man. That Indian man lucky Ah Fatt got a lot of tolerance and self-control. Gegao, if Ah Fatt want then Indian man gone case ok. He better be xibei grateful man. So now Ah Fatt typing this short report to inform you all go out next time be careful, don't talk to strangers and always carry a personal defense weapon. Very cheap one. Go OG buy. Ah Fatt recommend the one at People's Park, there got bigger armoury. Now we wait for Rainbow Six Vegas and pray. If not Ah Fatt go get his beng friends and raid New Era. WATCH OUT!

EDIT: ( from Osiris ) Please, Rainbow Six Vegas is supposed to be done by me ( and Da Vinci ). You better submit your Hello Kitty review. And what's up with the post today? Were you drunk while typing? It's full of grammatical errors and I have to edit them for you. I've told you countless times, the Singlish is okay, but they must be italic. And you totally forgot the capital letters too. Be focused, Ah Fatt.

WAR OVER, BUT ICELAND IN RUINS

2006-12-04T18:53:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

After a month of intense fighting in the Republic of Iceland between the Socialists and the Terrorists, the war has finally ended under controversial circumstances. And the Rotters Int. team is glad to have returned to the office in one piece. ( Ah Fatt you slacker, you still have not reviewed the Hello Kitty game. )

Although S.Rajacurry had seen some of the worst battles in the month-long war, surprisingly most of the structures in the Socialists' territory remained standing. Hundreds of Socialists' supporters gathered at a field littered with craters from the heavy artillery shelling to celebrate what was considered a victory in the fight against the Terrorists. No senior member of the Socialists party was seen.

In the capital city of Mein Blork however, things were not looking so good. The administration's headquarters was in a state of shabbles, with rubble and debris lying across the ground. Underneath concrete slabs, a bloodied hand could be seen - still clasping onto the grip of an AK-47 rifle.

A hand belonging to a dead Terrorist trapped under the rubble in Mein Blork.

While the Terrorists seemed to be gaining the upper hand on the Socialists in the early stages of the war, the tables were turned when the United States decided to intervene without the approval of the United Nations Security Council. The U.S.S Theodore Roosevelt was the forerunner in the U.S's attack, launching at least 1,800 sorties, mostly consisting of F/A-18 Super Hornets which bombarded the capital city. The Terrorist's own F-18s were no match for the American counterparts, as the I.W.V ( Information Warfare Vessel ) U.S.S Virgin Mary used a series of complex codes to disable the computers onboard the Terrorists' fighters, rendering them vulnerable to the aerial onslaught. In fact, after losing their first squadron, the Terrorists immediately grounded all aircraft to prevent heavier losses.

A US F-18 Hornet launches across the deck of USS Roosevelt.

Following the air assault, U.S forces accompanied Socialists' troops into Mein Blork and free any surviving prisoners-of-war captured by Terrorists' soldiers ( look out for soon-to-be published audio interview with a POW ). However a long chain of claymores, which when disrupted would set off a domino effect of explosions, prevented the soldiers from advancing into the heart of the capital city. They returned to S.Rajacurry with US troops on station to provide any assistance in case of a surprise attack.

The casualty toll in Mein Blork has not been released by the Icelandic government, but Rotters Int understands that the administrative staff is safe and well. The government criticized the Bush administration for interfering in what was a "internal dispute" and the aerial bombardment had caused "collateral damage". Most of the civilian victims involved were of the Godly Elite Party, a faction which had broken off the Socialists' wing. However U.S intelligence identified a number of G.E.P members as support troops for the Terrorists.

Said Mr Freddie Yo, "We are very disappointed with (Pres.) Bush for not complying with the U.N once again. Does he think we're another Iraq? Oh, I know how he got the link between us and Iraq - we both start with the letter 'I'. Screw you Bush."

The White House rejected claims that they were after minute reserves of oil stored 'somewhere in Iceland'. Instead they denounced the acts of the Terrorists as "acts of terror" and "infringement of human rights and freedom to speech". They saw the Socialists' movement as the first step to battling 'dictatorship' in what was a 'free land'.

However conflicting reports surfaced soon after the Terrorists' armies retreated from S.Rajacurry. Instead of saying that the Socialists' won the war, rumour has it that the senior staff of the Socialists' party in fact had 'given up' on the battle and fled to neighbouring Republic of Jacked China. These rumours were half-accurate - the senior party members indeed went to Jordan, but not before the fighting had stopped.

A spokesman for the Socialists' party told Rotters International that the move to Jordan had been decided on the basis that the party needed 'an ideological change', and by leaving the organization, the senior members hoped that the younger generation would be able to implement new policy changes. ( more details in soon-to-be published audio interview ) No details were revealed about future plans in the Republic of Jacked China.

The end of the fighting brought the two parties to a peace treaty, but no concrete agreement was met due to the never-ending differences between both sides. It was signed that no such internal conflict ( neither side would regard it was a civil war ) would ever take place in the Republic of Iceland again. However the powers and rights entitled to the two political factions remained unchanged, and it is rumored that the Socialists' will boycott the next Parliament meeting on 3rd January 2007.

The senior Socialists' members held a celebratory dinner at the Swissotel "Scamming" Merchant Court. An unknown number of Terrorists were somehow invited to the function, but the President Bobby K was visibly absent. He had kept his silence after meeting with the Socialists on 6th Nov, and some say he is still hiding in his bunker in the ruins of Mein Blork, oblivious to the fact that the war has already ended.

The United States has vowed to put its troops in Iceland until the country has been rebuilt. No other country has pledged any form of assistance, but the Red Cross is actively distributing food and medical supplies to victims of the conflict. President Bush has reportedly turned down requests to form an Iceland Study Group similar to the Iraqi Study Group set-up by James Baker. The American President is confident that the rebuilding process will be swift and successful, despite projections by analysts that the failure to reach an agreement may fuel another internal conflict.

SITEX 2006

2006-11-30T17:35:00.000+08:00

HOME

- reported by Ah Fatt.

Paiseh Ah Fatt quite long never post liao. Today I went to check out the IT fair at Singapore Expo, but was pretty disappointed with the exhibition leh. Chinese say "to go to a place happily, but to return disappointed" ( this computer does not have Chinese support! ). Got a lot of booths la, but all damn one kind - boring sia! Then all those sales people keep showering you with flyers and raining you with requests to buy their products, damn irritating can? Plus the hall was packed with the lunch crowd, even finding a seat at Burger King also got difficulty la.

Ah Fatt was tempted to get a Kingston 1GB SD card for $26, but in the end never buy because need to save money. So long never write liao, boss threaten to cut my pay or even fire me la. Cannot anyhow spend money now.

Money hor... Lim bei tell you, gahmen go and raise the GST by another 2 percent, say will balance off by helping the low-income, kiss my ass la. Come next year, no need to eat at restaurant liao, then also cannot shopping at those Best Denki stores. So whatever you want to buy, you better buy now, because hor next year sure cannot one. I think your ang pow also will see big hole one.

And that new tunnel is another big joke man. Like what Mr Brown wrote, "We lost a National Library, but we gained a hole!" Eh don't xiao xiao, this hole $34 million one man, and 35000cm long, which can save 4 minutes of valuable traveling time! And gahmen some more put that chee-bye ERP thing there. Use our money finish must suck some more. Ah Fatt clap.

Wa those chee-bye people in Iceland go and send Ah Fatt one stupid game called Hello Kitty - Bubblegum Girlfriends. Na bei I look like small kid is it? Never mind, boss say want me to review it. Ah Fatt will try the game later.

TOM CLANCY'S SPLINTER CELL : DOUBLE AGENT ( PC ) REVIEW

2006-11-30T16:26:00.000+08:00

GAMING

- reported by Osiris.

As of now, the author has yet to finish the game because it is plagued with too many bugs.

For starters, even though the current-gen and next-gen versions ( the PC is considered a next-gen platform ) carry the same title, the storylines and levels differ. Although the first mission takes place in Iceland, instead of partnering Hisham Hamza, you are paired up with a rookie named John, who later gets killed in the mission. The mission objectives are also different, and your Iceland assignment is called off because a missile is about to explode on the launch pad, unlike the current-gen version where Lambert orders a mission abort. Also, in the Xbox version, Cole Yeagher is a member of the JBA who is discovered to be disloyal, but on the PC he is the pilot of helicopter hijacked by Sam and Jamie for their escape from prison. ( Sam and Jamie escaped over a wall on the Xbox. )

The missions are much shorter compared to the Xbox, and I dare say can be boring at times. The Iceland mission on the Xbox took me around 45mins, while I could easily finish it on the PC in 15mins, possibly even faster if I was using a controller. Yes, it is much tougher to play Splinter Cell using a keyboard and mouse when you are used to two analog sticks and buttons which are conveniently placed. Some missions take place in bright daylight, forcing Sam to make full use of his environment and not just shadows, and the graphics are clearly much better than on the Xbox. Water sticks to the camera lens when you surface after swimming under ice floes ( yup! You can swim! ) , and the exclusive mission Shanghai is also beautifully re-created, with skyscrapers decorating the black sky with their neon lights, and you can even watch the headlights of vehicles move along the roads. However, with all that "bling bling" effects, it is disappointing that after completing a mission, you expect to explore more areas and complete more objectives.

Sam is caught deserting his post to bask himself in the neon lights of Shanghai.

One of two daylight missions, with a beautiful sunset scenery in the background.

The developers at Ubisoft Shanghai removed most cinematics and replaced them with directed moments, giving you the control of the camera during scenes which take place before a mission, for example insertions. In Okhotsk, you parachute down into the icy region and while sky-diving down, you can turn the camera freely and also make Sam do various stunts in the air. This may sound cool, but frankly speaking, most of the directed moments last only for a few seconds. In Shanghai, Sam has to control a spinning chopper and the only thing you have to do is press the left and right directional keys such that the chopper returns to a stable position. Then your control of the camera is taken back, as a cut-scene shows the chopper landing safely on the roof-top of the 88-floor Jin Mao Tower.

Sam parachutes down safely into Okhotsk, if you manage to pull the safety pin in time.

One very obvious change from the previous three Splinter Cell titles is that the HUD has been totally removed. There is no light and sound meter, and you can choose whether to display your selected weapon. The usual "action box" at the top-right corner of the screen has also been reduced to a small box like the weapons selection display, making a very "clean" screen ( but not as sparkling as Gears of War. ) You might be wondering, if the light meter has been removed, how would you know whether Sam will be spotted. Your answer is a special light meter on Sam's uniform and rifle. Green indicates Sam is hidden, yellow warns you can be spotted, and red alerts that you have become a target for potshots. Despite this simplicity in the HUD, it can be confusing at times because even though the light meter shows green, terrorists still can spot you, and without the sound meter you risk making noises which may alert your foes.

Multiplayer features a 3v3 Spy versus Mercenary adversarial mode, with a solo tutorial phase which helps beginners learn the tactics employed by both factions during the game. However there is no lobby system, and multiplayer games often crash, resulting in an "unofficial" boycott of the game by many seasoned players. Moreover, since the PC version only supports graphics cards with shader model 3.0 ( ATI 1300 and above or Nvidia 7300 and above ) , most players who played Chaos Theory's multiplayer on older cards are unable to relive the good old days. Hence, with virtually no one playing PC multiplayer, it is impossible for the author to review this segment.

Spies need to be fast and agile in order to avoid being caught in the powerful firepower of the Mercenaries.

The single-player also has its problems. The game crashes sometimes, and the author is unable to quit a game successfully - the "not responding" window always pops up. Like its 360 counterpart, there is no sound played occasionally, and safes cannot be cracked ( except for the training mission in the JBA HQ ) because the directional keys do not respond. In the Shanghai mission, Sam can even walk through a wall and then fall 80 storeys down to his death! The presence of these bugs has prompted the author, like many other players worldwide, to quit playing and wait for Ubisoft to release a good patch. ( The first patch has been released but it still does not resolve many of the issues in the game. )

To note that the PC version was first delayed, like the other platforms, from its initial launch date in March to September, then November, then pushed back a week after the 360 version's launch, and it is still ridden with many bugs which should not have appeared on a well-established game, this is really a letdown by Ubisoft. Many players had thought that perhaps the delay in the launch could have been used to ensure most issues have been fixed, but to much disappointment this did not happen. Perhaps this is another reason why Ubisoft Shanghai should not be employed to develop another Splinter Cell title, after what was considered a failure in the form of Splinter Cell's second title Pandora Tomorrow.

So if you are planning to get this game - don't, at least not before a patch which can fix most of the bugs is released. And also make sure that your graphics card supports shader model 3.0 before buying.

p.s. It has been reported on the Splinter Cell forums that the Nvidia 8800GTX card, despite being the newest on the market, cannot run Double Agent. The graphics, especially Sam himself, become deformed.

TOM CLANCY'S SPLINTER CELL : DOUBLE AGENT ( XBOX ) REVIEW

2006-11-28T10:51:00.000+08:00

GAMING

- reported by Osiris.

Veteran spy Sam Fisher returns in the fourth installment of the Splinter Cell series, and this time he is going deep undercover in a terrorist organization on US soil. Splinter Cell Double Agent was released on all major platforms, with a huge media emphasis being placed on the Xbox 360 version. However after reading the next review, you will realise why old is still the best.

In the Xbox version, the game plays as a flashback of all the sequence of events which took place when you were a double agent. You start off with a routine mission in Iceland, but with a partner named Hisham Hamza, who is working as a agent for both the NSA and the CIA. Halfway through the mission, your boss Lambert suddenly calls off the mission and orders you to head to the extraction zone. Sam refuses to leave, and his partner follows suit. However Lambert tells Sam that he would not abort the mission if he did not have a good reason. ( Could it be due to the ongoing conflict between the Socialists and the Terrorists? )

Sam and Hisham rappelling down an icewall in Iceland.

Aboard the V-22 Osprey, Lambert informs Fisher that his daughter Sarah had been killed by a drunk driver. Fans who have played Splinter Cell since the first game, or read the books, will know that Sarah is the last closest kin to Sam, after his wife's early death. Fisher is unable to take the news well and breaks down, but Lambert needs him mentally fit for another important assignment, and perhaps the most dangerous of all - infiltrating a terrorist organization and pretending to be one of them while destroying the terrorists from within.

You will encounter many high-tech security measures when entering restricted areas in the JBA HQ.

Hence the NSA fakes a series of robberies to strengthen Sam's cover ( this part is not explained in the game ) and send him to Ellsworth Penitentiary, where he becomes acquainted with cell-mate Jamie Washington, a member of terrorist organization John Brown's Army aka JBA. After helping Jamie to escape from jail, the bespectacled man is grateful for Sam's help and offers him a place in the JBA. Sam of course accepts the invitation.

From here the tension begins to mount. You will receive objectives from both the JBA and the NSA, sometimes opposing, and you have to choose whose orders to follow. Your decisions will affect the trust of both parties, which is represented in the form of a slider trust meter. It is best to remain the slider in neutral, but too much trust on either side will either blow your cover or result in you being disowned by the agency. There are also moral decisions which you have to make in game. Aboard a cruise ship in Mexico, you can choose to detonate a bomb your partner has planted, or you can choose to sabotage it and save 2000 lives. In Africa, the JBA boss discovers that one of their partners, Hisham Hamza, is in fact a double agent and orders you to take him out. The NSA however wants you to extract him safely. It is these little decisions which may affect the outcome of the game.

Note I mention the word 'may'. This is because despite the emphasis Ubisoft has played on this new trust system, it really does not seem that important whether you choose "decision A" or " B". The impacts of these choices on the game seem so trivial that you can always easily change things around in the next mission. However you may miss out on certain cinematics or bonus missions depending on your decisions.

Sam has a love interest in the game.. ^^

The levels in Double Agent are clearly much bigger and longer than its predecessor Chaos Theory, with every mission being broken into two parts. However the graphics were a letdown, and in some cases, the 2005 game seemed somewhat more beautiful than its successor. All the missions take place at night, or in a dark environment, but in some missions Sam does not always have his trusty equipment like his SC-20K rifle or even his trademark goggles. This really tests the player on his stealth abilities and pushes the genre to the limit. The A.I is still disappointing, because at times when you are so close to the enemy you would think that they would spot you any moment, they just walk on. However when you are sneaking behind a guard to grab him, he suddenly whirls around and you might have to reload from a save-point just to retain that stealthy status in the game.

Sam proves that he is still as lethal even when only armed with a combat knife.

For the single-player part, the Xbox version features one exclusive single-player mission ( Money Train ) and seven additional minutes of cinematics which help explain the game more clearly than its next-gen consoles. Fans of Chaos Theory's co-op play will be pleased to know that co-op mode has returned with more missions. Ubisoft has also scrapped the Spy versus Mercenary mode for the new Spy versus Spy multiplayer. ( I admit that I have not played any multiplayer mode yet, because I do not have Xbox Live, but stay tuned for an update on the co-op offline gameplay. )

Yes, the Xbox version may not feature spectacular visuals or new gadgets as seen in its next-gen counterparts. However Ubisoft Montreal, which designed the current-gen versions, has managed to keep the key elements which has made the Splinter Cell franchise such a successful game series. The storyline could have been established further, but other than a few hiccups, this is still Splinter Cell, and perhaps the best on the Xbox console. ( Its closest competitor would be Chaos Theory. ) The different choices and alternate endings increase the game's replay value and you would want to try the game on a different route just to see how you can perform better or wreck the whole operation.

If you do not know, many gamers who have bought the Xbox 360 version have traded it for the Xbox version. Find out why in our next review on the PC version, which is a port of the next-gen console version.

GAMING IN ICELAND

2006-11-26T22:07:00.000+08:00

WORLD AND IT

- reported by Osiris.

The Rotters Int. team received a supply drop of computer games in Iceland, courtesy of an agent inserted by our C.S.T ( Close Support Team ) at GameAxis, Singapore.

Stay tuned for reviews of these games, as well as the delayed news podcast of the ongoing conflict in Iceland. As it stands now, the conflict is beginning to tide down as frequencies of artillery bombardments on both sides decrease. However we still do not know when this war will end. Updates to follow soon.

TRANSCRIPT OF INTERVIEW WITH COL. ANDREWS

2006-11-10T19:45:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

This is the transcript of the interview with Colonel Andrews Hang-Sheng.

Osiris: Good evening Colonel. Now that the war against the Socialists has begun, do you think it is necessary to resort to conflict to resolve the political issue in Iceland?

Andrews: Yes, of course. For years we have been tolerating the misconduct of the Socialists, which has gotten from bad to worse. They disrespect us during Parliament and I think it is only through war that they will learn their lesson.

O: But the Socialists say the administration has disrespected the core values of the Istimewa Treaty, which gives them the right to freedom of speech. Why is it that the Socialists' webpage had to be taken down?

A: We feel that the webpage was part of a major psy-ops to deflate our party members' ego and morale. Yes, the Socialists have their right to speak what they want, but when the administration deems it inappropriate, then the Socialists have to be responsible for their actions.

O: This is a question which the international community still demands answered - who started the war?

A: Obviously it was the Socialists. They attempted to shoot down the plane of our President and this is a clear act of war. Hence the army has to respond with firm action.

O: But the Socialists say that you shot down their supplies plane first.

A: Who says that! The supplies plane was part of our response to the attack on the President's plane. We did not start the war - the Socialists did. Anyway it was them who wanted the war, not us.

O: What is the role of the 66^th Armour Division in S.Rajacurry?

A: Their orders are to re-take the refugee camp and eliminate any opposing force. If the Socialists are ungrateful to what the administration has given them, then we will take it back.

O: There are US troops in S.Rajacurry. Are there any reports of exchange of fire between the Americans and your troops?

A: Not at the moment, but I strongly believe that the Americansss are helping the Socialist troops. Our tanks, despite possessing immense firepower, are unable to break down the Socialists' strong defenses, something which our intelligence reports have not predicted.

O: When do you think S.Rajacurry can be re-captured?

A: Once the defenses have been destroyed, we can take it back.

O: Are the Terrorists facing difficulties in combating the Socialists' F-22s?

A: The F-22s are stealth fighters, so our radars are unable to pick them up. By the time the anti-air defenses pick them up, they would have bombed our positions. Therefore we are using the F-18s to patrol the clear blue skies as an early warning system.

O: And finally, when do you think this war will be over?

A: We still hope that the Socialists will see that there is no point in fighting and give up peacefully. A truce will benefit all Icelanders, and we can once again sing our national anthem with pride and gusto.

O: Thank you Colonel. And that was Colonel Andrews Hang-Sheng from the Terrorists' Army. This is Osiris, reporting from Mein Blork, in Iceland, for Rotters International.

PRESIDENT SPEAKS TO ICELAND

2006-11-10T19:14:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris, in Mein Blork, Republic of Iceland.

Ever since tensions mounted between the two political parties, the people of Iceland have yet to hear from their President, who had been away on a koi-hunting expedition. Last Friday, President Bobby K finally spoke in front of a 2000-strong crowd of Socialists, making his stand clear that the Terrorists will not give in to the Socialists' demands, and urged all members and supporters of the opposition party to disarm peacefully.

His offer of an olive branch to the Socialists was not well-received, since throughout his speech, which had been written at 4am that day, the President condemned the misconduct and acts of treason of the Socialists. The President also gave the Socialists an ultimatum of 48hrs to comply with his orders.

The fighting between the Socialists and the Terrorists ensued even as the ultimatum had passed on Monday. Sensing that his speech had not taken effect, and the people were losing respect for their leader, President Bobby K immediately called an emergency meeting with senior officials of both his administration and the Socialists. The 450-strong Socialists had planned to boycott the meeting after learning that the venue had been changed to the convention centre at Ni Aunt, but decided otherwise after military vehicles turned up at S.Rajacurry amidst the heavy fighting to transport them to the meeting place.

During the meeting the President acknowledged the contributions of the Socialists, although he did not apologize for the strong and offending speech made on Friday. However the Guest-of-Honour of the meeting also stressed the importance of a ceasefire, saying that the prolonged civil war will lead to the downfall and self-destruction of the country.

The exact details of the meeting are yet to be disclosed, but Rotters Int. has learnt that the Socialist officials present at the convention centre were each awarded a certificate of appreciation, a move which the President hopes would improve the situation. The certificates were all empty, and the Socialists were told to pick up the actual awards on the 13th. The Socialists are wary of President Bobby K's intentions; many suspect that the Terrorists had laid a trap in the capital city to capture all of them when they turn up to collect their awards.

At S.Rajacurry, the fighting has worsened, with both sides taking heavy causalties. On Thursday, Terrorists fired artillery shells on the Socialists refugee camps and killed at least 36 people, including 18 children. The Socialists retaliated by launching a heavy air-strike on Terrorists armoured positions, destroying six of their Merkava tanks. The Socialists are still awaiting the arrival of their armour units, who had been stationed in nearby UK. Military planners told Rotters they were afraid that the supply planes transporting these vital support units would be shot down before they could deliver their cargo.

A Terrorist Merkava tank scurries away from the Socialists' air-strike.

( This report has been delayed due to unforseen technical difficulties. )

ON THE HOME FRONT...

2006-11-01T15:51:00.000+08:00

SINGAPORE

- reported by Ah Fatt.

Sweltering
'
Polluted air. At least for now.
OMG!
Rainy.
Erratic.

Weird.
Evil.
Alternates between hot and hotter.
TMD!
Humid. I can swim in the air!
Englanders will bake like lobsters.
Really xiao eh!

Sian.
Unlikely to get better.
Crap.
KNNBCB!
Seriously fucked up.

These are a few phrases commonly used by Singaporeans about their sunny little island. (All results based on a recent poll of Singaporeans aged between 1 and 1000 conducted by Singapore Met.)

INTERVIEW WITH COL. ANDREWS

2006-10-30T23:18:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Osiris spoke to Colonel Andrews Hang-Sheng of the Terrorists Army a few hours ago in this exclusive interview. Listen now! Full transcript to come soon.

"Interview with Col. Andrews"

WAR REALLY BREAKS OUT IN ICELAND

2006-10-30T21:22:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris, Mein Blork, Iceland.

Five days since a Globemaster jet carrying supplies for the Socialists was shot down by the Terrorists, the first gunshots were heard outside the refugee camp in S.Rajacurry. Soon after, infantry exchanged fire while Terrorists' tanks fired upon temporary shelters housing hundreds of civilians. The casualty toll is yet to be disclosed.

Socialist F-22 fighters bombed key structures in the capital city of Mein Blork, destroying a communications tower in the process. With the lack of modern communications equipment, Terrorist military commanders have to resort to giving orders using a loudhailer on the podium. Despite the installation of the anti-aircraft defenses, no F-22 jet has been shot down during the inital bombing runs this morning. The Terrorists are currently preparing their runways for the launch of their own F-18 Strike Hornets to counter the F-22s.

A Terrorist F-18 pilot prepares to exit his aircraft after a successful practice flight.

The United States issued a statement at 1000hrs local time. According to the spokesman for the White House, the United States will not support either faction in the Icelandic war. Contrary to the report by Da Vinci five days ago, the US has made it clear that its military reinforcements in the region are only to aid in the neutralization of the conflict, and that the soldiers have been instructed to only return fire when fired upon. The USS Roosevelt Carrier Battle Group is in the area to conduct surveillance of Iceland, and also to provide supplies for the refugees caught between the lines. The CBG also established a naval blockade preventing ships from entering or leaving Icelandic waters.

Despite the statement made by the White House, the Terrorists highly suspect that US forces were working with the Socialists to overthrow the administration. Said a top-ranking official, "The Americans tell lies. Our IT Dept. intercepted radio transmissions from the Socialists' pilots, and these were actually being relayed to a coordinator onboard a US E-2C Hawkeye aircraft. If the Americans are not involved directly in this conflict, then why are they interfering with the Socialists mission?"

Neither a Socialist nor an American official could be reached for comment.

An E-2C Hawkeye, similar to the one spotted by Terrorists, prepares for take-off aboard the USS Roosevelt in Icelandic waters.

Although the fighting has already broken out, the administration is still giving the Socialists the option to surrender and sign a truce. However after having been cheated by the Terrorists once, the Socialists are not believing a single word from the administration anymore. Still, the Terrorists believe that given the immense firepower of their 66th Armour Division at S.Rajacurry, the Socialists will be forced to comply and surrender.

WAR IN ICELAND!

2006-10-25T18:53:00.000+08:00

WORLD

-reported by Da Vinci, S. Rajacurry refugee camp, Republic of Iceland.

War has broken out in the Republic of Iceland, a small supposedly democratic nation in the middle of nowhere. The first shot of the war was fired by the Terrorists. Early in the morning, a C-17 Globemaster III transport aircraft chartered by the International Red Cross was delivering supplies to the S. Rajacurry airbase when a SAM site located on the outskirts of the capital city Mein Blork launched a salvo of missiles which hit the aircraft on the fuselage, causing it to explode in midair.

This sudden attack was justified by the Terrorists as necessary as they had to cut off all aid which could be used by the Socialist, regardless of whether the aid was meant for the country as a whole or not. According to an anonymous source within the Terrorist regime, the decision to destroy the Globemaster was made because it carried sensitive equipment which could aid the Socialists in their cause. The unnamed source was quoted as saying that while the destruction of the aircraft from the Red Cross was "regrettable", it was inevitable because anything that could aid the Socialist must be utterly obliterated from the face of the earth and he ended off with a cackle.

This incident has been condemned by the international community. An emergency meeting of the UNSC was convened and resolution 1337 was passed authorising the USA and the UK to aid in the preservation of democracy in the Republic of Iceland. A joint statement by officials from the Foreign Ministry in the UK and the US State Department announced that aid, both military and medical, was being airlifted with the greatest of haste to Iceland.

At the time of publishing, elements of the 22nd SAS regiment attached to the British carrier parked off the Icelandic coast landed at the S. Rajacurry airbase. At the same time, 2 Pavelow Special Forces helicopters piloted by members of the 160th Special Operations Air Regiment (SOAR) carrying Operators from the US Army's 1st Operational Detachment Delta (Delta Force) landed at the helipad at the airbase. They will be assisting in the Socialists' fight for independance on the coming months. Apart from that, the USA has also pledged an entire Marine Division to aid the Socialists should the need arise. They are currently holding position in the UK. At the meantime, the 1st Carrier Battle Group of the USA has just arrived and is ready to assist as well.

A Pavelow Helicopter drops off Delta Force Operators.

Somehow, despite the heavy reinforcements that arrived, the Terrorists seemed unfazed and declared that they would raze the Socialist infidels to the ground. They have already placed troops on the ground and tanks are slowly converging on the S. Rajacurry refugee camp. Intense fighting is expected to break out soon as the soldiers of the Socialist party dig in and prepare to defend their home turf.

In other news, a second aircraft, this time carrying President Bobby K has landed at the international airport off Mein Blork. Unconfirmed reports state that this aircraft also came under fire by anti-aircraft batteries though this time it is hard to point the finger at who did it. The President did nothing to settle the conflicts between the 2 warring parties and instead chose to leave the country for great periods of time to buy Kois.

More updates coming your way as we report live from the frontlines.

A LOOK INTO ICELAND

2006-10-24T16:08:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris, in Republic of Iceland.

Here is a detailed explanation of the politics in the Republic of Iceland and the history of events which has led to the current situation in the country.

The Republic of Iceland gained independence from the British in 1823 and the Colonial rulers left two political parties to govern the country, the Socialists and the Terrorists. However it was the latter who received the required funding from the Queen of England, and since then has been the only party to rule Iceland, because there are no elections in the country.

The Socialists constitute a huge fraction of the number of seats in Parliament, more than the Terrorists. However despite their advantage in numbers, their voice is seldom heard, and most of Iceland's policies are implemented by their rivals in power.

Relations between the two parties have never been good, but in the years before current President Bobby K came into power, it seemed that the administration had seen the need to defuse the ticking time bomb between them and the Socialists. A resolution, known as Xbox Tournie, was drafted by then-Head of Security Paulo Limsky in 2004 to give the Socialists more freedom, but it was rejected by other senior members of the Terrorists who felt that the resolution had no real meaning and need not be implemented in the first place. Other Presidents known for taking important steps to improve ties between the two parties include the legendary Philips Liao and E.Weejaysing.

In recent years, the Socialists have been largely divided into two unofficial factions, the Socialist Elites and the Godly-Elite Party, the latter naming themselves so because they are a small fraction of the Socialists who think they are better equipped with skills for critical-thinking and making speeches than their counter-parts. The Socialist Elites, on the other hand, think that the G.E.P are just exaggerating their abilities and in some ways have demonstrated queer behavior in Parliament. The principle of all members of the S.E is that all Socialists are equal and should be united to fight against the troubles caused by the Terrorists.

Since the arrival of Bobby K in late 2004, the differences between the S.E and G.E.P have widened alarmingly. The S.E even accused the G.E.P of sharing confidential information with the Terrorists, which has resulted in a counter-sabotage on many of the Socialists' activites. Policies which the Socialists have planned so hard for many months in a bid to create a 'shock-and-awe' impact on the ruling party have even been rejected successfully with devastating results. The Godly-Elite Party deny any relations between them and the Terrorists, and proclaim that despite their differences, the Socialist Elites and Godly-Elite Party are still one party.

In May this year, the Terrorists ordered the reunification of the Socialists, claiming that the splitting up of the opposition party would result in one more party and this would then be a defiance of the Constitution, implemented one week after the Terrorists came into power. However it was a fruitless effort as the S.E and G.E.P continued their quarrels while putting up a show during Parliament.

War broke out in the fall of 2005, when neighbouring Catholic Holy State launched a series of mortar attacks onto Iceland, in what was a 'retaliation against Icelandic Protestant assaults on Catholic tourists at a Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet in the town of Birshank'. President Bobby K started reconstruction efforts to rebuild the war torn country, using funds from the country's reserve bank. Progress was slow, and early this month the Socialists were moved to a small refugee camp on the barren grassland of S.Rajacurry. The Socialists showed their displeasure at the move by initiating a massive riot, emptying fire extinguishers and knocking down a NEC projector in the process. The Socialist Elites quickly constructed an airbase next to the refugee camp to defend their buildings of interest and also provide a landing area for supply aircraft, mostly from the Red Cross. The Godly-Elite Party, on the other hand, were not to be seen in the refugee camp and the S.E suspects that the administration had kept them safely with the Terrorists.

The riot prompted the Terrorists to denounce the Socialists for not being appreciative of the administration efforts, and also delcare that the Socialists were sending out a signal to them for a much 'harsher' treatment. Shortly after this declaration, it was discovered that the Socialists' webpage on server Uncyclopedia.org had been removed and banned from rebuilding. This angered the Socialists who felt that their freedom of speech, among other rights, had been violated. A clear violation of the Istimewa Treaty signed in August 2005, the Socialists decided to take matters into their own hands and show the Terrorists that the administration was incapable of leading the country.

A declaration of war has yet to be heard from the Socialists, but according to Da Vinci who is on the frontlines of the soon-to-be-begun battle, there have been more military preparations with soldiers gearing up and tanks already rolling towards the capital city of Mein Blork. Stay tuned as Da Vinci will be reporting shortly.

ICELAND ON BRINK OF WAR

2006-10-23T17:49:00.000+08:00

WORLD

-reported by Da Vinci, somewhere in Iceland.

As mentioned earlier by Osiris, the Republic of Iceland teeters on the brink of war as years of dispute between both parties comes to a head with the Terrorists declaring that a signal has been sent by the Socialists for the Terrorist to take extreme measures to rectify their "wrongdoings". A spokesman for the Terrorists, wishing to be identified only as T., Desmonde, told Rotters that they have reminded the Socialists time and again to adhere to the extremist code of conduct known as the RPoH ad nauseum but to no avail. As such, they have no choice but to act with extreme prejudice against these people. Their leader, the mysterious E.D., only wishes to comment that he does not know what is wrong with these Socialists but that they are in the wrong and must be taught a lesson. He urges his "colleagues" to do the right thing.

At the time of publishing, this reporter is with an Integrated Counter-Sniper (I.C.S) team of the I.C.C at an undisclosed sniper nest where he has a clear view of the Terrorists' HQ with the aid of high-powered binoculars. A sniper manning a Barrett M82A1 Sniper Rifle with a 10x Unertl scope accompanies him. The Administration Block 1 is in clear view and members of the Terrorists' infamous anti-socialist unit, known as the Republic of Iceland Policing Bureau (R.I.P.B), can be seen patrolling outside. They are easily identified by the oversized badges which they pin on their shirt pocket.

Author is on the right.
Sniper with M82A1 is on the left.

At the moment, there is still a semblance of peace as talks rage in the UN Headquarters in New York City with the Ambassador of the US denouncing the Terrorists and threatening heavy economic sanctions. The rest of the P5 of the UNSC are also in agreement over this course of action, with Britain saying it will place a carrier off the coast in the event of war in Iceland. However, despite threats, the Terrorists are still preparing for a war with the Socialists. The President of the Republic, Mr. Bobby K was still conspicously absent inspite of mounting tension within his own country. According to his deputy he is currently away koi-hunting and he believes that it will not come to war.

For now, all we can do is wait and see how this plays out as the social fabric of Iceland's society gets torn apart bit by bit. Tune in to Rotters. as we bring you the latest updates on this as it develops.

SPECIAL COVERAGE OF ICELAND

2006-10-23T17:11:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris, in Republic of Iceland.

On Saturday, Rotters Int. reported that according to our contact in Iceland, civil war might break out in the country soon. The news crew touched down in the country on Monday and has confirmed that report.

It seems that the Socialists want the Terrorists to amend their mistake of denying their space of freedom on Uncyclopedia.org, but the Terrorists have repeatedly refused these requests, claiming that the material posted on the Socialists' webpage was part of a 'psy-ops' initiative to undermine and topple the current government. The Socialists deny any intentions of a coup, saying that the webpage was just a move to distract readers from the troubles which the Terrorists have already caused in the country.

With the absence of President Bobby K, who is out of the country somewhere, it leaves more room for the Socialists to launch an attack on the Terrorists. A spokesman from the Socialists Intelligence Group ( S.I.G ) has told Rotters Int. that the Terorrists themselves are already building up defenses against important buildings like the Administration Office and the make-shift Staff Offices.

"Our satellite images show that Zeuss Anti-Aircraft guns have been installed on the roof-tops of buildings of interest, and also around the area. More guards have also been moved in to secure the gates, but these can be easily taken down by our well-trained snipers." the intelligence officer revealed.

At S.Rajacurry Airbase, the Socialists have already been practising sorties with their newly acquired F-22 Raptor Strike Fighters. These aircraft are known to be invisible to radar while flying at supersonic speeds, and carry deadly payloads. However Rotters Int. understands that this would be the first time that the Raptors are used for military purposes.

A Socialist F-22 Raptor seconds after taking off from S.Rajacurry Airbase.

Other military preparations by the Socialists are still unknown to Rotters Int., but according to readers of the Socialists' webpage, the party had claimed that there was an underground storage of assault rifles beneath the icon of the Republic of Iceland, the majestic clock tower. The Socialists are also known to be able to infiltrate the offices of the Terrorists' at night with the help of the party's Intelligence and Counter-Corruption organization ( I.C.C ), which has no relation to the party's own S.I.G.

There has been little word from the international community; President George W Bush denounced the breakdown of tensions between the two parties, after having visited the country in late 2003 in a bid to improve relations. However there has been no mention of a peacekeeping force to be sent in to neutralize the situation, and it is believed that the Republic of Iceland would not be receiving any foreign help because Iceland is not a member of the E.U.

Rotters Int. will bring you more updates as the story develops.

AH FATT TELL YOU

2006-10-22T13:22:00.000+08:00

By Ah Fatt

Walau eh, Indonesia's haze damn one kind ah! All the smoke make lim beh's throat so dry, then my nose become like running tap. Si beh jialat. Last time from Ah Fatt's flat on 10th floor can see all the way to CBD area, now good view kena block liao. Only can see other nearby HDB flats, sian boh?

Ah Fatt tell you ah, the P.S.I reading is lanjiao one ah. What 105 la, 120 la, then drop to 'healthy' reading of 65. KNN la, haze where got healthy reading one? Got smoke means bad for your health already, still got moderate, unhealthy readings. Ge pi la!

::Cough cough!:: Ah Fatt's throat not very good. Talk to you all next week. Gaaarrrrr...POOI!

UNREST IN ICELAND

2006-10-21T15:20:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Rotters International has just received word from a contact in the Republic of Iceland that a civil war might break out very soon, amidst the mounting tensions.

Relations between the two factions Socialists and Terrorists have gone sour ever since the Terrorists' new member Bobby K was elected to be the president of the Republic of Iceland. The Socialists refused to accept Bobby K as their new leader because the Terrorists had broken Iceland's 183-year tradition of electing an old member of the Socialists to rule the country. Bobby has no relation whatsoever to the Socialists' party and was elected into power in late 2004, with the outgoing President Wongie now taking up post in the United Nations Education Dept.

It was reported that the Socialists' webpage on Uncyclopedia.org had been removed by the Terrorists, who received a tip-off from a mole within the Socialists' party. The Socialists were furious because they were denied their space of freedom, which had been part of the agreement between the two parties. Now our contact has told us that the Socialists' are preparing to declare war on the Terrorists.

Rotters Int. will keep you updated on this breaking news story as we receive more details.

NORTH KOREA TO HOLD A SECOND TEST?

2006-10-21T12:46:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris, in Beijing, China.

More than a week after the Democratic People's Republic of Korea ( DPRK ) sparked a global uproar by teesting their conducting their first nuclear test underground, and the United Nations Security Council punished them by imposing sanctions on the country, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has announced that a second test was "on its way".

This comes amidst mixed reports which the international community has been receiving. On Friday, a report from South Korea's Yonhap news agency said that Kim regretted conducting the nuclear test on October 9 and that he is not planning another.

Meanwhile, the KCNA, North Korea's state-run news agency, released a statement Friday calling the test "a historic success" and described the nation's pride Friday night following a large rally at a square named for Kim.

"Choe Thae Bok, alternative member of the Political Bureau and secretary of the Central Committee of the Workers' Party of Korea, speaking on behalf of the WPK, hailed the successful nuclear test, reflecting the unanimous feelings of all the party members and other working people of the country, and warmly congratulated scientists, technicians and workers on having successfully ensured the nuclear test with ardent patriotism and loyalty," the statement said.

The Stalinist-country has yet to return to the six-party talks, but and while US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said that "the door for North Korea" is always open, a response from Pyongyang had yet to be received.

Then on Saturday morning, Pyongyang issued a statement saying that it would conduct another nuclear test but has given no scheduled date.

"In response to the bulls**t sanctions imposed by the gangsters of the UNSC, the DPRK has taken the international response as a provocative threat, and will take steps to further safeguard its territory and prevent any invasion from the imperialists of the United States and its gang."

"We will not hesitate to resort to the use of nuclear weapons, and to ensure that these preventive measures will be ready for use, a second test is on its way."

China, North Korea's closest ally, was the first to condemn the DPRK after receiving the news from its neighbour. A foreign ministry spokesman said, "We deeply condemn the threats which North Korea has posed to the international community, because by pushing this matter further we are worsening the situation and it will be harder to reach a peaceful agreement."

However Rotters Int. received a call from a Chinese official, who requested to remain anonymous, claiming that Chinese President Hu Jingtao personally gave a call to Kim Jong Il to commend him on his courage by defying the sanctions imposed on his country, and that the DPRK had China's fullest support.

Rotters Int. is still working on a confirmation.

A response from the United States or the rest of the members of the UNSC has yet to be heard because the countries were engaged in a three-night poker tournament held in Monaco, start Friday.

The anonymous Chinese official who gave us the call.

ROTTERS IS BACK!

2006-10-21T12:43:00.000+08:00

Yes folks, Rotters Int. is back again, after an absence of more than a month. We apologize for the sudden lack of news updates, and we hope to get back to work as soon as possible. Stay tuned.

- Rotters International.

SUPER SUNDAY

2006-09-17T13:12:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris.

Today marks one of the most exciting fixtures in the history of English football. Four titans will clash and the outcome will determine who will remain at the top and who will slip further.

Manchester United face old arch-rivals Arsenal at home. Confident from five wins, four in the Premiership and one Champions League match victory against Celtic, the Red Devils will be looking to extend their winning streak. Ryan Giggs and Park Ji Sung miss this exciting match, but Rooney returns and Alex Ferguson has other midfield options in the form of Alan Smith and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, who made his successful comeback into the squad with the winning goal over Celtic.

In the past, the Man U v Arsenal match would always be considered as a "title-decider", but with the introduction of Joes Mourinho's Chelsea two years ago, the pulsating action on the pitch and eagerness from the fans vanished. Three years without a Premiership title has made Ferguson hungry to prove his credibility as manager, having been with the Red Devils for twenty years. Perhaps this could be the year when Chelsea is deposed of their throne.

Arsenal too have their own problems. Their inspirational tailsman and skipper Thierry Henry has been rated "10-15%" fit to play today, while striker Robin van Persie is also injured, having hurt his hip when he got his foot stuck in the pitch while dribbling against Hamburg. Central defender Kolo Toure has recovered from his hip injury, also suffered midweek, and this would be a huge relief to Arsene Wenger, who is struggling to cope with his defensive injuries and problems. Phillipe Senderos, Lauren and Gael Clichy are all expected to return to the squad within four to six weeks.

Julio Baptista and Emmanuel Adebayor are expected to lead the attack upfront; this is the opportunity to show how strong the Gunners are, even without Henry. Wenger has claimed that his team "is ready" for United. This awaits to be seen later tonight. Ready to win, or ready for another embarrassing loss? If Arsenal fail to claim three points from tonight's match, it would be the worst start in the Premiership under Wenger, four games without a win.

Chelsea welcome newfound rivals Liverpool to Stamford Bridge for the early kick-off. The Merseysiders had defeated the Blues 2-1 in the Community Shield and Mourinho's men would be looking to exact revenge on Benitez's.

Andriy Schevchenko has had his dreams twice shattered by Liverpool and he will definitely be determined to get back. In 2005, his missed penalty allowed Liverpool to comeback from 3-0 down and win the shootout against AC Milan. In the Community Shield, despite scoring the opening goal, Liverpool overcame the deficit and won again.

Shevchenko, 29, said: "In my first game for Chelsea, we lost to them and now it's important to win."

"I scored but my team lost and it is important to win in this game. It's a difficult game - Liverpool are a big club and a good team.''

With a 30 million price tag on his head which Chelsea happily paid Milan, the striker is desperate to impress on the pitch, having scored twice in the first six games. Shevchenko said: "I feel okay. My performance is coming and it's very important to work now for the future. My aim is to win the fans over with the quality of my game and my goals.''

Chelsea are currently fourth in the table, but Liverpool are in an unfamiliar twelveth. Another loss would see the Reds slip further don the table, together with Arsenal.

Benitez wants to end that run and foster better relations with Mourinho following the pair's failure to indulge in the traditional post-match handshake after recent games. This will be the 12th time the clubs have clashed in the Mourinho-Benitez era and Benitez is prepared for the latest instalment.

"We are ready now for Chelsea,' he said. 'You can never be sure because Chelsea are a very good team but we feel ready and we are planning to go there and win. I have no problem shaking hands, I'll give him (Mourinho) the opportunity to shake hands if he wants."

Benitez will no doubt rotate his squad again, and it appears certain captain Steven Gerrard - left out of the starting line-up on Tuesday for the Champions League draw with PSV Eindhoven - will start the match. Who Benitez opts to play in central defence is another matter. Daniel Agger played very well there in the Community Shield success in Cardiff in August, and was outstanding in the Reds' first clean sheet of the season against PSV. This could earn him the nod over the veteran Sami Hyypia.

Benitez said: "Now we will see who is ahead. For Eindhoven, Danny was ahead of Sami in my thinking. But that may not be the case in the future. Other times, Sami will be the one in the forefront."

AH FATT TELL YOU

2006-09-10T13:53:00.000+08:00

By Ah Fatt

Walau eh, Ah Fatt tell you ah, now the IMF come to Singapore to chit-chat, gahmen go and close all the roads near the Marina side, they think very funny is it?

All the roads close, that means Ah Fatt cannot drive his newly-bought Nissan Sunny around town and haolian to all the chio bu on the street. What? Nissan not good? Ah Fatt like the car can already, no need you come and kachiau me one ok?

Anyway, cannot drive around means cannot use carpark also one leh! Then gahmen also tell all the hotels there not to accept bookings from other people. All reserved for IMF. I tell you ah, IMF stand for Irritating Money-Face. Everything also money. I think you can see dollar signs in their eyes one lor. Reserve for money-face never mind, reserve already they haven't come ah! Then now the hotels all headache 'cause gahmen is ruining their business. You know how many hotels are affected or not? Got that tall tall Swissotel lah, Raffles hotel lah, Conrad, Pan Pacific, so many sia! Road block here block there, want to go to Marina side have to take MRT and walk. The underpass side will be how mother crowded lor!

Then another funny thing ah. Gahmen spend so much money to plant trees and beautify the place, quite nice actually. But then money-face not happy. You know why? 'Cause gahmen don't allow protestors on the streets.

Haiyo... This one I must really laugh ah. One, as if IMF will care about what the protestors have to say. Two, I think gahmen has done the right thing. You see, our country is so small and and located in a sensitive region. If anything happens in our country ah, we will be damn vulnerable sia. You let these protestors run around creating trouble, later run out of control, we can say 'good game' already. We purposely create a safe environment for all you money-face people to come here, you still kachiau us. You listen hor, Ah Fatt is not happy ok?

Ah Fatt also heard that Mickey Mouse company is interested to build a theme park here leh! They say last time Singapore could already have had a Disneyland in the 1990s, in the Seletar Area, but then gahmen want Disney to fork out their own money to reclaim land, 'cause Mickey Mouse wants the land size 4 times bigger than the one in Tokyo. So Disney buay song go to Hong Kong lor! Siao ah! So big for what? Not like Singapore got so many people. 4 million nia.

Aiya, now that they are talking about building Disneyland near Marina IR, quite exciting ba. Ah Fatt haven't been to Mickey Mouse land for long long time liao. But now only talk, no action. See how first lor. Hopefully next time can go Marina there and shake Mickey Mouse's hand. But they better make sure gahmen don't close Marina roads like now la.

If Singapore next time can become a BIG tourist hit, Ah Fatt will run around my HDB estate naked. Sorry la, Ah Fatt too humji don't dare run around island. Estate already quite malu ok?

IRWIN'S PRIVATE FUNERAL HELD

2006-09-10T12:43:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

A private funeral for "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin was held on Saturday at a funeral home in Caloundra, and it has been reported that the local council had given the Irwin family permission to bury Irwin, 44, at the 25-hectare zoo that has been owned by the family since 1970.

Steve Irwin cuddling a baby croc. All the crocs will definitely miss him!

Irwin was killed by a stingray on Sept. 4, whle filming an underwater set in the Great Barrier Reef. Apparently he was annoyed by the constant disturbance of the stingray and spoke into his microphone, "Someone please chase that critter away! We can't carry on like this!"

Richard, the culprit in this gruesome murder, swam towards Irwin on hearing his remark and stabbed his barb into the Australian show host's chest. Irwin died of the resulting cardiac arrest. The video of the incident is now in the hands of the Australian police and investigators are trying their best to identify Richard.

Said Monica, a friend of Richard who has refused to cooperate with the police with regards to the whereabouts of the stingray, "I've known Richard since we were ten years old. He wouldn't hurt anyone! Mr Irwin must have said something real nasty to Richard, something that has not been reported."

Sydney's Sun-Herald newspaper has reportedly accquired the services of an Aborigine lip-reader to determine the actual words Irwin spoke seconds before his death.

John Stainton, Irwin's longtime manager, said that the family and friends are planning a memorial service to be opened to the public. He also said that Irwin's wife Terri and the children were coping 'quite well' with the sudden death. The Irwins have two children, Bindi, 8, and Bob, 2.

One venue mentioned for the memorial service is a 52,000-seat sports stadium in Brisbane, the nearby capital of Queensland state.

Irwin could have had a formal state funeral offered by Prime Minister John Howard but Bob Irwin said his son preferred a smaller, private funeral.

"He called me hours after he was gone, telling me not to blow it up but keep it under tabs, as quiet as possible." Bob told Rotters Int.

Please leave your condolences on the 'COMMENTS' page.

STUTTERING GUNS

2006-09-10T11:51:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris.

Arsenal are still without a win after having played 3 games in the Premiership. Having drawn once at home and lost at Manchester City last week, many would have felt this would be the match where Arsenal will commence their winning form, especially with the arrivals of Baptista and Gallas.

With Justin Hoyte preferring to play on the right-flank, it was up to experienced French defender Gallas to take the role as left-back. The Frenchman who is able to play on all positions across the defence made his debut on the starting line-up.

William Gallas makes his debut for Arsenal.

The gunners started brightly with a succession of corners, with Gilberto Silva glancing a backward header across the face of goal. Boro keeer Mark Schwarzer produced a couple of fine saves to deny Thierry Henry's curling effort, and the defenders managed to block shots from the Gunners, desperate to find a goal in this match.

But just after Freddie Ljungberg's shot was blocked and Alexander Hleb had his effort saved, Middlesbrough shocked the home team with the lead. Morrison made progress down the right, getting the better of Gallas. He played a nice one-two with Jason Euell on the edge of the Arsenal area before dispatching a cool finish under Jens Lehmann.

Arsenal have now trailed in all 3 of their Premiership matches, plus the second-leg of their Champions League qualifiers against Dinamo Zagreb. This sure is worrying sign of the defence - without the mighty and experienced Sol Campbell and the other defenders who have been on the injury table, the backline seems to be Arsenal's Achilles heel.

The home side remained calm, patiently waiting for a chance to get back into the game. Van Persie should have levelled the game 18 minutes before half-time when Emmanuel Eboue cut the ball into his path, but somehow managed to stab the ball wide.

In the second-half, the Gunners still pressed on and dominated possession, but could not make the most out of the ball outside the Boro penalty area. Their shots were still unable to find the back of the net, and Middlesbrough were holding the line more rather than attacking. Then in the 64th minute, Captain George Boateng was sent off for a tackle on Ljungberg. He had been cautioned 2 minutes earlier for protesting with the referee about Henry's freekick, which had been taken while Schwarzer was still lining up his wall.

With 23 minutes left, Eboue was brought down in the box by Steven Downing and Henry made no mistake by converting the spot-kick. Clearly lifted by their equaliser, Arsenal went all out to grab the winner, with Wenger substituting Van Persie, Ljungberg and Gilberto for Emmanuel Adebayor, Baptista and Tomas Rosicky. But 10-man Middlesbrough would not let the Arsenal into the box so easily, and the game ended with a draw.

Wenger was certainly concerned about his team's performance. "When we fail to win a game we have dominated, it is always worrying and I am now aware that this is our worst ever start in the Premiership."

"It was one of those games when we had all the ball, and the chances against a side that refused to come out and play, but we got ourselves into trouble by falling behind and gave ourselves a mountain to climb."

"We lacked sharpness because half of the team has been away [on international duty]."

However the Arsenal manager insisted that the team had 'so much' potential to do so much better.

Perhaps it is Arsenal's play that is giving them problems. Their style of play is always a 'beautiful counter-attack'. While holding off the opposition, when they finally get the ball, they quickly make their runs and that beautiful passing before making the perfect finish. That was the case in Europe last season. With the other teams all pressing for a winner, the counter-attack method worked. But in the Premiership, especially with smaller teams, it is not a full-fledged assault. So while Arsenal may dominate the possession, they lack the wit to finish. And when the opposition manages to score and take the lead, they quickly defend strongly and not let Arsenal break through. This makes Arsenal finding an equaliser difficult, lest say a winner.

Arsenal have a mid-week Champions League tie against Hamburg away before visitng Old Trafford on Sunday. Manchester United have made it four wins out of four, and are currently at the top of the table, after beating Tottenham Hotspurs 1-0. Given the Red Devils current form, it is hard to imagine Arsenal winning them. Perhaps a draw will do, unless Arsenal can produce that winning form they had lost, after losing so many key players.

Elsewhere in the Premiership ( Saturday ) :

Everton 3 - 0 Liverpool

Chelsea 2 - 1 Charlton

Newcastle 1 - 2 Fulham

Sheffield Utd 0 - 0 Blackburn

Portsmouth 1 - 0 Wigan

Bolton 1 - 0 Watford

Playing on Sunday:

West Ham v Aston Villa

COLE SAGA DONE AT LAST

2006-09-02T20:10:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris.

Ashley Cole has moved from Arsenal to Chelsea, with Blues defender William Gallas heading in the opposite direction.

The deal was confirmed minutes before the transfer window closed on Friday midnight, putting an end to perhaps most protracted transfer saga this season. It all started when the Arsenal defender met up with Chelsea executives sometime in November last year in what was an illegal meeting. Cole and Chelsea were subsequently charged and fined for violating FA rules on negotiating transfer moves. In his soon-to-be-released autobiography, Ashley Cole criticized the club for the way the board treated him during that time.

William Gallas, on the other hand, fell out with manager Jose Mourinho after failing to report for duty during Chelsea's pre-season training in US, and was omitted from the first-team.

It is believed that Chelsea have paid 5 million pounds plus Gallas for the England defender. Ashley Cole expressed his happiness after the success of his transfer, "I'm very happy to have my dream come true, but at the same time I feel sad to leave my team-mates who have worked hard together all these years. I am looking forward to the new challenges ahead and meeting my new team-mates in the changing room!"

Ashley Cole has walked away from Arsenal for good.

Chelsea are now refuting claims that Mourinho and chief executive Peter Kenyon are not on good terms regarding the departure of Gallas. An insider source told Rotters International that Mourinho had a 'special relationship' with the French defender, but Kenyon 'ruined everything' by selling Gallas behind Mourinho's back. "He has a hot bod!" our source claimed to have heard from the coach. The club maintains that both men are still on good terms and remain in constant contact.

French hot bod?

Arsenal has also swapped winger Jose Antonio Reyes for Real Madrid's Julio Baptista for an undisclosed fee. Reyes had expressed his desire to return to Spain weeks ago after failing to get accustomed to the English way of life since he arrived in London in 2004.

"I miss my home and my family. I also cannot watch my favourite bull-fighting exhibitions here in London. Now I am glad that I can return to Spain, and I must be the happiest man in the world!"

Wenger is pleased to have Baptista on his team, having failed to sign the Brazilian last season. "Julio Baptista will be a great addition to our squad. He is a powerful young international and is a versatile footballer who can operate both in midfield and as a striker. He has shown his potential over the past few seasons in Spain with both Real Madrid and Sevilla and we're looking forward to him joining us. While welcoming Julio we would like to wish Jose the best of luck for his time in Spain."

"Imagine I'm wearing an Arsenal jersey and carrying a trophy."

ITALIAN CHEFS ARRIVE IN LEBANON

2006-09-02T18:45:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Around 100 Italian chefs donning their white uniforms have arrived on small motor boats at the Lebanese port city of Tyre today as part of a first wave of Italian entertainment services expected over the weekend.

At least 800 Italians are eventually set to arrive in Tyre with the goal of supporting the Global Circus Force, initiated by the United Nations to bring happiness and joy to the people of Lebanon.

The U.N. multinational forces -- which include Italy -- will be in the region not to make money, but under their mandate will be responsible for safeguarding themselves and any nearby civilians who are in danger of being scammed, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan said Monday.

The chefs will set-up food stalls around the city to aid the food crisis there, giving civilians a chance to experience the taste of Italy without having to spend a single cent. Food delicacies there include pasta, pizza, Mediterranean tastes and a huge range of deserts. The chefs have been reminded before-hand not to include pork or lard in the cooking as they will be working in a Muslim country.

Said Mr Antonio Agosto, the head chef of the Italian team, "We are extremely delighted to be able to serve the Lebanese community. War disrupts people's lives and we hope that through our acts of kindness, we can help the people of Lebanon lead their normal lives again. Furthermore, they can sample lots of delicious food and even try breakfast with an Italian flavour in the coming days! Squisito!"

Agosto ( extreme right ) with the members of the Italian Chef Committee, in charge of overseeing the chefs' operations in Lebanon.

The rest of the Italian force coming to Lebanon include circuses, opera singers and dancers who will liven up the streets with their entertaining performances.

Meanwhile, Indonesia said Saturday that it would send a 1000-strong entertainment group to southern Lebanon by month's end, after Israel had dropped objections to its participation in the G.C.F.

Israel earlier said it did not want Indonesia to take part because it was afraid that the 200 fire-breathers Indonesia would be deploying could be used to launch fiery attacks on the Jewish state.

But an official at the United Nations, speaking on condition of anonymity because the negotiations were private, said Friday that Israeli leaders had changed their minds, AP reported.

Israeli official who declined to be named, but did not mention that we could not publish his photo.

"We are ready to send our entertainment groups by the end of the month at the latest," Indonesia's Foreign Minister Hassan Wirajuda told reporters while attending a conference on the resort island of Bali.

U.N. officials and European diplomats have urged Muslim nations to contribute to the 15,000-person force that the U.N. Security Council envisioned in an August 11 resolution that led to a cease-fire between Israel and Hezbollah.

Malaysia and Bangladesh have also offered manpower, though they also do not recognize Israel.

It has been confirmed by Rotters International that Belgium has pledged 300 chocolate chefs to aid the Italians, while Finland and Poland are set to provide a few hundred men each as well. The United States is watching Finland's movements closely, as they are concerned about the consequences Finnish-company Nokia may bring when they distribute free phones to the Lebanese people.

"Handphones can be reconfigured by terrorists to set-off bombs, and we are afraid that Hezbollah forces might use this technology to attack the G.C.F when they hold their charity events." said a spokesman for the United States Defense Department.

Film Stars: Assets or Liabilities?

2006-08-26T08:40:00.000+08:00

MONEY

- reported by Da Vinci.

In a not-so-surprising move this week, Paramount Pictures has cut ties with it's A-List celebrity, actor Tom Cruise. A Paramount Pictures spokesman who declined to be named told Rotters International that the company had decided to drop the actor because of his erratic , foolish and childish behaviour such as jumping on the sofa on Oprah. Also, according to Mr. Redstone, the big kahuna of Paramount Pictures, "We don't think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot. As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal. His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount."

A chart of the demise of Cruise's worth.

What is amazing is, just days after Cruise was kicked out of Paramount's doors, parent company Viacom Inc. share rose rose 12 cents to $36.98 on the Big Board. Some have attributed this increase to the fact that Cruise just left the company and people are starting to feel much better for it. Our very chee-bye correspondent monitoring the stock exchange believes that Cruise had it coming. By becoming a believer of Science Fiction and suckering his Xth wife into believing the same thing as well is just pure evil and as for jumping of sofas on prime time television? Ah Fatt thinks this xi lang tao got what he deserved. And he was right! Just look at Viacom's shares! So all in all, this is an interesting economic strategy and company's could do well to drop their stupid actors as well. It is costing you money. Leave a legacy, not a liability, fire Russell Crowe.

EPL FIRST LOOK

2006-08-25T21:48:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris.

Last weekend kicked off the start of the new 2006/07 English Premier League Season, with Watford, Reading and Sheffield United joining England's best in what is the world's most lucrative soccer league.

The Premiership opener saw Sheffield United play Liverpool at home. Tragedy struck the Merseyside when they lost two of their defenders Jamie Carragher and John Arne Risse in the first 34 minutes, and the defence became a total slop. Despite dominating possession, Liverpool were still unable to create anything. Sheffield United slowly revealed the weaknesses in Liverpool's defence and soon exploited them with a freekick which Reina could not clear and the home side were up. A newly-promoted club 1-0 up against the winners of last season's FA Cup final and 2005 Champions League was something which the fans were very proud of.

However, just as they thought they could produce a stunning win over the Reds, referee Rob Styles gave the visitors a controversial penalty when it appeared that Chris Morgan had made contact with Steven Gerrard in the box even though the Liverpool skipper had stepped away after falling down, indicating that there was no foul. Robbie Fowler took the spot kick and converted it, earning Liverpool a point and saving them from shocking disgrace.

Was there any contact between Morgan and Gerrard?

Sheffield United lost their next match against Tottenham 2-0, who had in their first game lost to Bolton by the same score.

Kevin Davies rises like a salmon to power his opener past Paul Robinson.

It was the start of a new era for another two teams who were playing each other. Arsenal were hosting Aston Villa at their new 60,000-seater capacity Emirates Stadium and the visitors were under the charge of new manager Martin O'Neill. Arsenal were expected to win this match, having won their earlier Champions League qualifier match against Dinamo Zagreb 3-0. Although they dominated possession, the Gunners were unable to fire. Instead of shooting, they chose to pass the ball inside and around the penalty box. This lack of confidence brings back haunting memories of last season, when Arsenal also struggled through the first few months because they were unable to score for the same reason.

Martin O'Neill in his first competitive fixture as manager of Aston Villa.

Perhaps it was because the team was still not used to the pitch and the atmosphere in the stadium, as Gilberto Silva had mentioned in a post-match interview. Emirates Stadium was packed and it was so noisy that it does give the players the nerves, especially when it is a match where they are expected to win. Nobody would have expected the visitors to score instead. Arsenal's defence had been shaky since the injuries last season. Left-back Gael Clichy is still recovering from a foot injury. Lauren will soon recover from his back injury. Experienced England defender Sol Campbell had already left the club and his replacement Phillipe Senderos was still recovering from a shoulder injury. Because of the controversy and speculation surrounding want-away left-back Ashley Cole, Arsene Wenger decided to leave him out even though he announced that he had made himself available for selection.

Kolo Toure had acutally 'scored' an earlier goal in the first-half stoppage time. He was delighted when he latched onto a freekick from Cesc Fabregas and headed into the net, but he was ruled offside. Eight minutes into the second half.Olof Mellberg powered in a header from an inswinging corner which beat Jens Lehmann. As O'Neill's men celebrated, Wenger's defenders pointed accusing fingers at one another. Once bitten, Arsenal striked back. Hard. But with no result. They created all sorts of runs, passes and shots but they could get through the solid Aston Villa defence. Almost everyone would be in the box when Thierry Henry had the ball, and there was absolutely no chance of scoring. Knowing that he had to play wide now and get the ball inside the box, Wenger decided to send Theo Walcott onto the pitch in place of Emmanuel Adebayor. The 17-year-old teenager who was picked for England's World Cup Squad even though he had not played a single Premiership match, came in 17 minutes from time and showed everyone the blitzing speed and pace that he possessed. Aston Villa were getting frantic now as they sensed Arsenal's urgency to socre an equaliser. Given the immense pressure which the Gunners exerted on the Villa defence, one would have thought that the defence would soon crumble. The question was when?

Walcott in action against Villa.

The moment all Arsenal fans were waiting for arrived in the 83rd minute. A cross from Walcott found Gilberto Silva and he half-volleyed the ball to earn a point for Arsenal, and the hearts of many beat normally again when the final whistle blew.

Gilberto Silve fires in the equaliser past Sorensen.

Champions Chelsea and Manchester United must have been happy to learn that their two rivals dropped precious points on their opener, and would have been even delighted when they produced thrashing scores at home. The Blues beat Manchester City 3-0 while the Red Devils whooped Fulham 5-1. However Chelsea were later stunned in their next match when Middlesbrough came from behind to beat them 2-1 in the final 10 minutes.

Christiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney put aside their World Cup difference and celebrate.

Mark Viduka leads the celebrations of his goal scored against Chelsea.

Everyone who follows the EPL and does not support Chelsea would definitely hate them for their huge spending power and dirty tactics employed sometimes. The loss at the Riverside must have shined some hope over fans that Chelsea will not win a third straight Premiership title. Of course very much Osiris would like his favourite team Arsenal to win, however given the team's current injuries list and confidence level, I have my doubts over the youth's ability in winning glory at their new home.

It is still very early into the season, and we cannot predict accurately for sure. But I dare say that number one would not be Chelsea anymore. And don't forget the newcomers - they have shown us what they're capable of. If you thought last year was a very close fight, this year would be even tougher.

My predictions for the top 4 teams:

1. Manchester United
2. Arsenal
3. Liverpool
4. Chelsea

Tell us who will be in the top 4 at the end of the season, in ranking order. Comment now! By the way, I think that Arsenal and Chelsea home kits look the best out of all the teams. Man Utd jerseys really suck. What happened to that striking red colour? And the sponsorship logo is not very appealing too.

FLASH: New design

2006-08-22T21:47:00.000+08:00

As you would have noticed immediately upon entering this site, there has been a major face lift for this news site. Be prepared for even more up-to-date information on a user friendly website which cuts the crap and gets straight to the point, if there is one. We at Rotters International Newswiring Agency are more committed than ever to providing our hungry netizens with information from around the region. And the best part? Its all free! No scam. Want scam? See the article below this.

--The Rotters International Editorial Team

FAILED ATTEMPTS TO SCAM ROTTERS

2006-08-21T20:41:00.000+08:00

SCANDALS

- reported by Osiris.

While we were restructuring the company, we checked our email and recevied two emails claiming that we had won some lottery.

Ah Fatt was delighted at the news and was about to type in his credit card number to complete the wire transaction when an alert Da Vinci stopped him just before the very chee-bye Singapore correspondent could hit the 'SEND" button.

Here are the email scams. If you receive similar messages just put them into your trash immediately. Do not ever give any stranger your credit card number.

SCAM #1:

FROM: INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT.
CALLE GUZMAN ELBUENO 48, 28936
MADRID ESPAÑA
REF: LP/67/80/IPD
BATCH: EGGS-541-623-782
DATE: 6th JULY, 2006
Dear Winner,
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Euro millions Lottery International award e-mail programs held on the 4th JULY , 2006.Your E-mail address attached to ticket number 653 908 321 675 with lucky main number 05- 32 - 44- 45- 50 drew lucky star numbers 01, 07, which consequently won in the 3rd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of 3,632,160 Euro. (Three Million Six Hundred & Thirty Two Thousand One Hundred and Sixty Euro Only)
!!!CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Due to mix up of some numbers and names/programme abuse, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money remitted to you.
This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants.
All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 100,000 company and 50,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world.
We hope with part of your winning you will take part in our end of year 50 millions Euro International lottery.
This is an irish woman who won , ihttp://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi

/northern_ireland/4730113.stm
To file for your claim, please contact our fiducial/Claim agent:
*********************************************************************************
OFFICE : EURO CREDIT SECURITY & FINANCE S.A MADRID SPAIN
CONTACT :LUIS FERNANDEZ ( Insurance Officer)
E- MAIL : luisferfernandez@yahoo.es
*********************************************************************************
Remember, all winning must be claimed not later than 15TH of AUGUST , 2006. After this date all unclaimed funds will be included in the next stake.
Please note in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications please
remember to quote your reference number and batch numbers in all correspondence.
Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for
being part of our promotional program.
Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.
Yours Sincerely,
Mr .Fernando Sanchez
Lottery Coordinator.

SCAM #2:

HE PROMOTIONS DIRECTOR
BEIGLSCHE LOTTO INTERNATIONAL.
(ACCREDITED LICENSED AGENT)
Belliardstraat, 25-33
1040 BRUSSEL
www.belgischelotto.be

BELGIUM EMAIL LOTTO (BE) INTERNATIONAL SWEEPTAKES.
Batch Number:57/8703/3PD
Credited file Number:EGS56/50071245/25
ATTENTION. TO WINNERS IN OUR PROGRAM

Sir/Mrs,
We wish to congratulate you over your success in our
computer balloting sweepstake held on the 11th Austgut 2006.
In which email addresses were used. It is a promotional
program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore
you do not need to buy ticket to enter for it.Your
e-mail address attached to ticket number 738-
13465550-7--798 with serial number 8052-79 drew
lucky numbers 8-10-25-30-32-49 which consequently
won in the 1st category.You have therefore been approved
for a lump sum pay of 1,000,000.00 EUROS (ONE MILLION
EUROS)

CONGRATULATIONS!!! .

This is from a total cash prize of ( THIRTY MILLION
EUROS)shared among the thrity international winners
in this category.CONGRATULATIONS!!!Due to mix up of
some numbers and names.

We request that you keep the entire details of your
award strictly from public notice untill the process
of transferring your claims has been completed, and
your funds remitted to your account.This is part of
our security protocol to avoid double claiming and
unwarranted abuse of this program by some
participants.All participants were selected through
a computer ballot system drawn from over
50,000 company and 70,000,000 individual email
addresses and names from all over the world.

This promotional program takes place every year,
the lottery was promoted and sponsored by belgium
lottery to compensate some few individuals with
website and email addresses.
We also wish to bring to your notice of our next
year premium stakes draw where you stand a chance
of winning up to 50.000.000 (FIFTY MILLION EUROS)
We hope that with a part of your prize
you will participate in it.

Your fund is now deposited with in a bank under a
fixed deposit bond policy insured to you by our
financial agent.To file for your claim please
contact our financial agent,
(E.U) Foriegn operations manager,
Mr Fred Edward.
Email:belgiumlotto2006@netscape.net
Tel:+32-485-561-097.
Remember all winning must be claimed not later
than 20th August 2006.
After this date all unclaimed funds will be included
in the nextstake.
Please note in order to avoid unnecessary delays
and complications please remember to quote
your credited file number and Batch numbers
in all correspondence.

Please attach your phone and fax number.
Furthermore, should there be any change of address
do inform our agent as soon as possible.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff
and thank you for being part of our promotional
program.

Sincerely yours,
Lotto Co-ordinator
Mrs. Evi Johnson.

NOTE:REPLY TO OUR (E.U) FORIENGN OPERATION MANAGER.
Mr Fred Edward.
Email:belgiumlotto2006@netscape.net
Tel:+32-485-561-097.

Actually come to think of it, Da Vinci should have let Ah Fatt learn an important lesson. So remember readers, you never win something which you never take part in, and you never send money over to claim your prize.

APOLOGIES FROM ROTTERS INT

2006-08-21T19:23:00.000+08:00

Sorry folks. It's been a long while since Rotters International was last updated and we apologise for the lack of news stories.

Readers will be wondering why we suddenly stopped coverage of the World Cup 2006. Osiris had been banned from entering all matches after a misunderstanding with the ground security staff. Apparently security had thought that Osiris had brought a bomb into the Allianz Stadium when in fact it was just his thick black jacket covering a cold dessert. When they realised their mistake the security staff still refused him into the stadium. Instead they reprimanded him for bringing outside food inside and sent out a notification email to all other World Cup stadiums. So Osiris had to sit out on all the matches except the final.

However just as he thought this would be a chance to produce a great story, he was headbutted by Zinedine Zidane. Ouch! Osiris was immediately admitted to a nearby hospital and after a long recovery period, he has since returned to work.

On another note, the main office of Rotters Int. was raided again. Many of our files and news articles which were intended to be published on the site had been stolen. We believe that our number one enemy the "12 Monkeys Dept." of the CIA was involved in the evil operation.

Do not worry, the team is back and we will start things up again very soon.

Rotters Int.

WC 2006 : ANALYSIS OF GROUP D FIRST MATCHES

2006-06-13T10:20:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris, from Germany.

GROUP D : ANGOLA, IRAN, MEXICO, PORTUGAL

Results of first matches:

Mexico 3 - 1 Iran
Angola 0 - 1 Portugal

A serious defending blunder allowed Mexico to score twice and the break the deadlock which the Iranians had been holding on for 40 minutes. The first 2 goals which came from each side were from set pieces. In the 28th minute Mexico won a free-kick 10 yards from the touchline after Ali Karimi was adjudged to have handled the ball and Gerardo Torrado's centre was headed into Omar Bravo's path by Guillermo Franco before the Guaddalajara striker sidefooted the ball home.

But Iran refused to roll over and nine minutes from time they put themselves back into the game when Yahya Golmohammadi fired a rebound from a corner high into the net.

In the second half Iran lost their pace they once had in the first half and they were rarely the threat. Rather it was Mexico who looked more threatening now. But Iran still held on to that 1 - 1 draw until their defence hit the self-destruct button in the 76th minute. Goalkeeper Ebrahim Mirzapour miskicked a clearance before Rahman Rezaei lost possession outside the box to Mexican substitute Antonio Zinha, whose perfectly weighted pass left Bravo with the simplest of finishes.

3 minutes later, Mexico were on it again. An unmarked Zinha headed past Mirzapour to give the South American side the perfect start to their World Cup camapign in Germany.

WC 2006 : ANALYSIS OF GROUP C FIRST MATCHES

2006-06-13T09:43:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris.

GROUP C : HOLLAND, SERBIA AND MONTENEGRO, IVORY COAST, ARGENTINA

Results of first matches:

Holland 1 - 0 Serbia and Montenegro
Ivory Coast 1 - 2 Argentina

Holland took an early lead in the 18th minute with Chelsea player Arjen Robeen as he beat the offside trap to run on to Arsenal's talented youth Robin van Persie's volleyed pass and finish with aplomb as keeper Dragoslav Jevric came out to meet him. Serbia would have regretted not making use of their best chance earlier when former Aston Villa striker Savo Milosevic shot with little power even though he had time and space in the penalty area.

The Dutch were getting more dangerous as they tried to push for a second goal. Robben set-up Wesley Sneijder for a 20-yard strike but the Ajax midefielder dragged his shot wide. Then van Persie sent a diving header straight into the keeper's gloves.

Although the leaders were attacking more, they were losing their focus as well. When there should have been clear shots at goal, the Dutch players attempted crosses to Robben on the left, hoping that he could conjure up his magic like before. It was a silly move because the Serbs by now had learned from their mistake and were marking the Chelsea winger closely.

Manchester United striker Ruud van Nistelrooy was much of a bore to watch as he lost possession of the ball easily. Perhaps age has gotten to him and also the lack of matches played back at Old Trafford might have caused a decline in his performance. He was substituted by Dirk Kuyt in the 69 minute.

Van Persie curled a free-kick just past the far post where just a gentle tap would have made it 2. But in the end one goal was all it mattered and the Dutch claimed 3 points, a vital victory in their Group of Death.

The other match in Group C was much more exciting, with both countries attacking strongly. Ivory Coast were unfortuante to be 2-0 down when they were speeding about the pitch like lightning bolts and creating half-chances that were left begging. Hernan Crespo and Javier Saviola put Argentina in front, but Ivory Coast pulled one back through Didier Drogba 8 minutes from time. From then on, Argentina seemed to be the ones hanging on but when the final whistle blew it was the South Americans who claimed the victory. Ivory Coast need not be too disappointed with their loss as one would agree that they had played extremely well. With a bit more improvement, a place in the last 16 is not beyond them.

WC 2006 : ANALYSIS OF GROUP B FIRST MATCHES

2006-06-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris.

GROUP B : ENGLAND, PARAGUAY, SWEDEN, TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO.

Results of first matches played:

England 1 - 0 Paraguay

Sweden 0 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago

One should be forgiven if he predicts thrashing scores in both matches, because that was the prediction by critics and the bookies as well. However, the results which came in were truly disappointing, especially for Sweden when they should have won their match easily.

England, who were without talented striker Wayne Rooney, had Michael Owen partnering Peter Crouch up front. Still, their midfield was a potent weapon with Joe Cole on the left wing, Gerrard and Lampard in the centre and David Beckham on the right. In the early minutes of the game England were already pressing Paraguay. Joe Cole was fouled by Paraguay's skipper Carlos Gamarra in the 3rd minute and David Beckham swung a beautiful free-kick which was headed into the net by Gamarra as he tried to prevent Michael Owen from reaching the ball.

It was a miserable start for Paraguay goalkeeper Justo Villar and it got worse for him when he dashed out to halt a break from Michael Owen. He cleared the ball but twisted his leg and limped off in tears just after 8 minutes. Substitute keeper Aldo Bobadilla started nervously and he commited the mistake of pumping the ball instead of laying it on the ground for a goalkick after the ball had been played out. The Paraguayan defence was in disarray as well.

England did not perform as bright in the second half. Crouch was constantly cautioned by the referee for pushing the opponents while jumping up to head the ball. He received a booking in the 63 minute and was even cautioned when he was the one who had been fouled. Michael Owen was substituted by Stewart Downing, apparently as a precaution since the striker was still short of match fitness. Paraguay, sensing that England was dropping back, started to play better but their scoring attempts were all wasted crosses. England was no better and Crouch was not able to get the balls crossed to him. Eriksson should have replaced Crouch with 17-year-old Theo Walcott but the manager later justified his decision by saying that he did not want to play the teenager so early in the competition.

So in the end, an own-goal in the 3rd minute was all that England could manage but they still got the vital 3 points.

Sweden, who were expected to give T&T a good thrashing, were instead humbled when they held to a goal-less draw, even when T&T had A. John sent off early in the second half. Substitute keeper Hislop was the hero of the match as he made a couple of brilliant saves to deny Sweden the 3 points they needed. He had come in as a replacement for Kelvin Jack who had suffered a head injury just before the match.

Would T&T frustrate the 3 Lions as well? If they strengthen their defence they could probably hold England to another draw as well, since Sven Goran Eriksson now has a striker problem, which has been proven by the fact that Joe Cole is now appointed the fifth striker for England.

WC 2006 : ANALYSIS OF GROUP A FIRST MATCHES

2006-06-12T00:02:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris.

GROUP A : GERMANY, COSTA RICA, ECUADOR, POLAND

Results of first matches played:

Germany 4 - 2 Costa Rica

Poland 0 - 2 Ecuador

Hosts Germany certainly kicked off the opening match of the 2006 World Cup in style as they beat the South American side 4-2 in Munich. Hopes of another stunning opener victory by Costa Rica were shattered when Germany scored the first goal through defender Phillip Lahm in the 6th minute. Costa Rica's Danny Fonseca lost his footing just outside the penalty box, allowing Lahm to round him and curl a beautiful kick from the top left corner of the box and go in off the far post.

German coach Jugen Klinsmann was certainly delighted with the team's performance and result, especially due to the fact that he had decided to rest captain Michael Ballack even though he had declared himself fit less than 24 hours before the match.

Klose was denied by Costa Rican keeper Jose Porras from close range, and Schneider missed the follow-up. The miss would prove to be costly mistake as former Derby, Manchester City and West Ham striker Wanchope beat the offside trap to receive a through-ball and fire past Jens Lehmann. It was Costa Rica's first shot in the 12th minute and already it had been sent into the net.

That goal served as a wake up call for the Germans - just 6 minutes after they had scored the game was now level. The hosts pushed on and five minutes later they were leading again through Klose's goal. Bastian Schweinsteiger dribbled his way past two defenders before firing a pass to the far post where Klose swept home. There was no better way to celebrate Klose's 28th birthday which coincidentally fell on the same day.

The first half soon became a one-sided affair with Germany maintaining their possession of the ball and they were unable to break down the opponents' defence, which seemed to be a bit disarranged.

Podolski fired a 20-yard shot just 26 seconds into the game, and an unmarked Fonseca came close to levelling the game with a header. But it was birthday boy Klose who scored the third for Germany. He headed in a cross from Lahm, but the ball rebounded off Parras's gloves and the striker, who had scored a hat-trick in the 8-0 thrashing of Saudi Arabia in 2002, quickly smashed back a shot to give the hosts a comfortable lead.

The underdogs closed the gap with another Wanchope goal, which looked to have been offside. Centeno beat the offside trap and lay a superb through-ball to the striker who gently placed the ball past the Arsenal keeper. Parras's kept Costa Rica's hopes alive by brilliantly saving a shot from Per Mertesacker but Frings put the issue beyond doubt in the 87th minute. Schweinsteiger laid a freekick to the Werder Bremen man and he hammered home from full 35 yards to give the hosts a winning start.

ROTTERS IS AT THE 2006 WORLD CUP!

2006-06-11T23:51:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris.

Sorry for the lack of updates on the Rotters site, but to make up for it, we're taking you to the 2006 World Cup in Germany! Literally, i mean.

Stay tuned to Rotters International as I, Osiris, will bring you the post-match analysis right from the host country itself. Fortunately I do not favour any particular team so do expect less-biased reports!

Analysis of Groups A and B to be posted soon!

FEMME FATALES

2006-05-07T18:55:00.000+08:00

TECHNOLOGY

-reported by Da Vinci

With the coming of the next-gen consoles, we usher in the new era of high-resolution graphic renditions and with that we introduce to you the first few femme fatales to have the honour and privilege to grace the Xbox 360. In this interview, Miss Joanna Dark will be returning for her second interview with us. We will also be talking to the Tomb Raider herself Miss Lara Croft as well as Spartan-458 Nicole.

Da Vinci: So, welcome to Rotters International Newswiring Agency! How are you all feeling this morning?

Croft: Very well, thank you.

Nic: All systems green. I'm cool.

Dark: Excellent! Thank you. It's good to be back here and to be talking to you instead of that other guy...what's his name? Ah.....

Da Vinci: Ah Fatt.

Dark: That's the guy! Horrendous English. Jeez...and he kept trying to hit on me. Like, get a life man!

Croft: Men are all like that.

Da Vinci: Hey hey! Okayyy...lets get back to the subject at hand. So Lara, you're first, could you give us a brief rundown of what you're doing in Tomb Raider: Legend?

Croft: Well, as you all know, I'm driven by an insane curiousity. This caused me to take up this profession of searching ancient ruins to dig up lost artifacts. This time, it starts with me returning to Bolivia, haven't been back there since I was a child. I'm looking for an ancient artifact so powerful that it could mean the end of the world. As usual, there is some rich megalomaniac looking for the same thing as me and he calls in his private army to do the dirty work for him of course. Bloody nuisance really!

Da Vinci: Wow, to defeat the load of them single-handedly sounds nasty.

Croft: Well, it comes with the job. Besides, I've got my support guys back at the mansion watching out for me as well. And, I've got my trusty twin pistols which can fire a total of 30 bullets at a time and reload automatically upon holstering. I also get to weild a variety of weapons such as the MP-5 SMG. It helps.

Da Vinci: Cool. Excellent weapon, the MP-5. Anyway, Joanna, you were the first Femme Fatale to appear on the 360 in Perfect Dark Zero. How does that compare to the old days on the N64?

Dark: Hoho...its an awesome change man! Really great, now with HD technology, I'm rendered with a much higher resolution and everything is much more detailed than before, no more polygonal, one-tone outfits. Yuck!

Da Vinci: Right on. Now Nicole, I'm very interested in your story. What happened to you? I thought the SPARTAN-II programme occurs a few hundred years in the future? And I thought Master Chief was the sole surviving Spartan after the Fall of Reach.

Nic: Affirmative. I was not part of the Fall of Reach. I was captured by ONI (Office of Naval Intelligence) when I was a young girl on Mars and was recruited for the SPARTAN-II programme. It was a success and I was transformed into a supersoldier, highly trained in all forms of combat. As for how I ended up on early 21st century Earth, I was onboard an ONI stealth vessel when a freak timeslip occurred, sucking the entire ship back in time.

Da Vinci: I see, that's a really nice suit you're wearing. What is it?

Nic: This is a modified Mjolnir Bio-mechanical armour suit. All Spartans wear one, the only humans who wear these are the Helljumpers and even then, their's does not come with active camouflage and regenerative shields.

Da Vinci: But I heard you do not have the shield in DOA 4, why?

Nic: Here is where it gets complicated. As I'm in the past now, I'm not allowed to kill anyone as it could affect history. Hence I cannot use any accurate weaponry. I turned off the shield to even the odds a bit. I still retain my honour as a soldier you know.

Da Vinci: Admirable indeed, though I hear you have a nasty plasma grenade attack.

Nic: Haha, THAT! Well...lets say the people over at DOA 4 are really good and I think I gave them a bit too much advantage so I decided to bring in some toned down plasma grenades to tilt the odds in my favour a bit. Hey, that's why you have to unlock me man! What I do is I grab the enemy by the collar of his outfit and I stick a plasma grenade onto his/her chest before kicking him/her away and watch as the grenade explodes. Nice!

Da Vinci: Right on...now girls, what is your reaction to the increasing competition and number of hot babes entering the next-gen gaming scene right now. A good example would be Rumble Roses XX.

Dark: That game is just a pure, baseless slut fest targetting the male gamers. People will just buy that to ogle at the girls' heaving bosoms as they wrestle each other. Pathetic.

Croft: I agree, I believe games should retain a degree of sensibility and maintain a high level of innovative gameplay, a good plot and excellent, well-developed characters. That is the secret behind the success of this Tomb Raider game despite the decline of the series over the years. People remember me and how good the original game was when it first came out. Hence, they are willing to give me and crystal dynamics a try.

Nic: Affirmative on that. If I had it my way, I'd get my AI programme to enter the primitive earth global digital network and eradicate all forms of lousy gameplay featuring lousy gameplay. I have no problems with more Femme Fatales appearing in the gaming scene, but come on, the developers cannot just use high-res cleavage to sucker gamers.

Da Vinci: Interesting viewpoint. Thank you ladies for this interview and I hope to see you soon.

Dark, Croft and Nic: Thank you. It was a pleasure.

TOP GUNS OF UBISOFT

2006-05-07T16:13:00.000+08:00

TECHNOLOGY

- reported by Osiris.

The June holidays are fast approaching, and what better way to spend your time than playing the best video games around? Two days ago, Osiris, in place of Ah Fatt who was in a pre-elections foul mood, caught up with two game characters of Ubisoft's latest game titles at E2MAX @ Cineleisure Orchard where they were promoting the release of their new games. Yes readers, Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher and Ghost Recon's Sgt. Mitchell were in town, and here's an exclusive interview with the two of them!

Osiris: Thank you gentlemen, for taking time out to join me in this interview.

Fisher: Oh no. It's not a problem. In fact we do enjoy talking to someone who actually bothers to listen to us.

Osiris: Hmm? What do you mean?

Mitchell: Well he's saying that most of the people here are either interested in playing the games here than listen to us talk or worse still, they don't understand what we're saying!

Osiris: I guess you have to see what's the kind of people who come here to play...

Fisher: ( scans the place and spots a group of teenagers wearing slanted caps and carrying skateboards ) I guess you're right.

Mitchell: Affirmative, Fisher.

Osiris: Ok, so can you tell me more about your new games? Starting with you... Mr Fisher.

Mitchell: Hey! Why does he get to go first?

Osiris: Hush up. We're saving the best for the last.

Mitchell: I see... ( grins widely at Fisher. )

Fisher: What? Are you trying to imply that my game sucks? That's very mean of you...

Osiris: No, I mean that Sergeant Mitchell's game is much bigger than yours and he will have much more to talk about, so I'll let him speak after you.

Fisher: Okay... well my latest game Splinter Cell Essentials is only released for the Playstation Portable...

Mitchell: See? It's only released on one small console...

Fisher: Don't interrupt me when I'm talking, soldier.

Mitchell: Yes sir.

Fisher: Anyway, as I was saying, the game is only released on the PSP where the capablities of the console are being pushed to the limits. To be honest, Essentials was actually meant to be a follow-up game to Double Agent but since SC4's release had to be delayed till September, we decided to release the PSP game as a preview to SCDA. All the levels in SCE are specially designed for the PSP.

Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell : Essentials

Osiris: What are the missions in SCE?

Fisher: They are basically flash-backs of my past missions, never before seen in any of my previous titles. These include me back in the good old days as a Navy SEAL in Columbia and also my first missions as a Splinter Cell.

Sam Fisher in the beginning of his Splinter Cell career.

Osiris: What about the preview to Double Agent which you mentioned earlier?

Fisher: Well there is the first mission of Double Agent in Essentials, where I have to team-up with fellow jailmate Jamie Washington to break out of prison. Then there is also a sneak preview of Splinter Cell 5's storyline in the last mission, where I have to break into the NSA HQ...

Sam Fisher walks about freely in prison.

Osiris: What for? This sounds pretty exciting. Could you tell us more about the storyline in Essentials?

Fisher: I will only talk as much as Ubisoft permits me. ( Clears his throat ) Basically at the beginning of the game gamers will find me being interrogated by a government agent by the name of Blake. I am wanted for the murder of my boss Col. Irving Lambert and the allegation is that I killed him because he knew that 'I was going to betray the agency', which of course was bullshit.

Osiris: Did you actually kill Lambert?

Fisher: I did, but my motive was not what Blake was claiming. Of course it was a wrong deed, but it had to be done. I cannot tell you more about it till you've played the game.

Osiris: Fair enough. What other features are there in SCE, like multiplayer?

Fisher: Yes, there is a Spy versus Spy mode which is playable on wireless. This multiplayer mode is also available on selected platforms of Double Agent.

Osiris: Cool attack moves and gadgets...they're all in, I suppose.

Fisher: Yep, everything is inside that small card, plus a whole lot more. It'll be one of the best PSP games you've ever played.

Sam Fisher delivers an Omega Punch Strike.

Osiris: Thank you, Sam. And now to you, Sergeant Mitchell.

Mitchell: Yes yes, my game is going to revolutionise the whole gaming experience, espcially on the Xbox 360. The graphics are so realistic and the sounds.. Ohh you'll love those explosions.

Osiris: Tell us more about the storyline first.

Mitchell: Alright. I am the Ghost Leader, and Ghost Recon fans would remember me from Ghost Recon 2, which to be honest wasn't a really good GR game. This time, Ubisoft has made it right. The Ghosts, who are America's elite Special Forces, are tasked to provide protection in Mexico City as the US and Mexican Presidents and Canadian Prime Minister sign a new treaty. However a rogue army storms in and kills the Prime Minister, then captures the American Presidents. So our job is to rescue the President and prevent the rogue army from using stolen nuclear codes.

Osiris: Very interesting, but don't you think it's kind of mean to Canada.

Mitchell: Nah, the developers had no ill intention of killing off the Prime Minister but that's how the story has to unfold.

Osiris: Okay, just now you were talking about graphics and such...

Mitchell: Affirmative. The graphics are astounding on all platforms, but the best is the Xbox 360 version where it really pushes the console to next-gen level. That's how it earned highest ratings for a Xbox 360 game. The game is very neat and pretty. And very high-tech as well. My helmet is the fitted with cross-com technology which allows me to view what my team-mates are looking at and also communicate with my mission communicators. During the course of the mission, I can also call in Apache airstrikes on armoured targets when we're pinned down. We can even deploy UAVs when available to scout on enemy positions.

Unmanned Aerial Vehicle for reconnaisance.

Osiris: Awesome. That's what a war game should feel like. Realistic.

Mitchell: Exactly. Of course I'll have to admit that the A.I. of my team-mates needs some serious touching up. For example, when I fire a bazooka at a target, my team-mate is standing in front of me. But well, they still do shoot pretty well and could save your lives at times.

The Xbox version of GRAW features first-person-shooter gameplay instead of the third-person-shooter on the Xbox 360.

Osiris: I guess owners of the Xbox 360 must get this game...

Mitchell: Of course they have to, or else they will never know what is a true Xbox 360 game. Forget Perfect Dark Zero or any other Xbox 360 shooter game - get Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter! And if you only have a PC, do not fret, 'cause the PC version is going to be released soon and is just as awesome! Just make sure that you have at least 1GB of RAM and a powerful graphics card.

The PC version will be released in May.

Fisher: I copy that, soldier.

Osiris: Alright, that concludes our interview. Thank you both of you for joining me in today's interview and we hope to see your next titles soon.

Fisher: Roger that, Osiris.

Mitchell: Read you loud and clear.

AH FATT TELL YOU...

2006-05-07T15:09:00.000+08:00

Apologies to all our readers, but Ah Fatt has declined to write an article for his column this week because he will only rant about the elections and local politics, which will of course get him a lengthy term behind bars and a good spanking on his bottom.

Please kindly give Ah Fatt a week to cool down. Your co-operation is greatly appreciated.

- Rotters International

2006 JUNGLE OLYMPICS REPORT

2006-05-07T12:38:00.000+08:00

SPORTS

- reported by Osiris.

The 2006 Jungle Olympics concluded on yesterday night with a few surprising results.

Lion King and his pride of powerful big cats won the overall competition again with a 66% winning rate, but it was their opponents who impressed well.

In the swimming category, Lion King, with his team of fast-swimming lions, took the gold for the 6 X 50m triple stroke relay, where the competitors had to swim freestyle, butterfly and breaststroke in each lap. The lions' rivals, the chimpanzees, lost the race by a narrow margin of 33.9s. The average age of the ape swimmers were under 33, compared to the average of 48 years of the lions. Although visibly diasppointed by the loss, captain of the chimpanzee swimming team Simon Lorez was still pleased with the results.

"Yes, we have lost. But inside the hearts of all of us, we are very proud of our achievements because although we fielded a young and inexperienced team, we have still managed to lose by a relatively small margin. Not to forget, we were fighting with the king [ lion king ] himself, so this was really a good experience for the swimmers and we would definitely come back to compete in the next olympics. We also would like to thank our supporters who had come all the way from Africa to support us in our competition. Without their continuous support, we would not have been able to come this far."

Simon Lorez, captain of the chimpanzee swimming team, thinking about his team's performance in the swimming competition.

Lion King proud of his team's win in the swimming tri-stroke relay.

The 6 X 400m relay on the track was also won by the big cats. The team, comprising of the fast-paced cheetahs, won the hyenas by 31.3s. Team captain Terence C. Hunt was delighted on winning the race and attributed the win to both his team-mates and the supporters who came down to the stadium to cheer the runners on.

Captain Terence Hunt in action during the relay.

Captain Damien Long ( right ) of the hyena team consoles young team member Edmund Owen after their loss in the relay.

The big cats won another 6-member event, the 6-a-side rugby competition. This was the biggest victory achieved by the big cats in the 6-member events, with the tigers scoring 76 tries while the buffalos could only manage 23. Captain Ken Boris Watson of the Tigers was jubilant after thrashing the buffalos and congratulated his team on their magnificent performance.

Captain Ken Boris Watson.

"It's been a great day for the team. We played well, both in attacking and defending. The strikers were able to take our opponents by surprise in the early stages of the game and after we had scored twenty tries, we had already crippled the opponents' morale. And we defended good enough to prevent any hopeful counter-attack by the opposition. Another job well done."

The buffaloes dismayed by their team's loss at the rugby event.

Now to the 5-member events. The big cats once again crushed their opponents' hopes of attaining any gold medals by winning the ice hockey, gymnastics, basketball and 5 X 200m track relay competitions. In particular, the basketball match was a very tense one with both sides playing well. In the end the pumas won the chimpanzees by a narrow scoreline of 56 to 44.

Puma Linda H. Hadley attempts to shoot a 3-pointer.

Sharon Lohan, captain of the chimpanzees' basketball team, was happy that the team could put up a tough fight against their stronger opponents. She said that it was the 'determination and concentration' of the team which evolved into a remarkable result. However she also lamented that her team was wasteful at times when they should have scored more points. The chimpanzees' commendable effort has given Lohan a chance to win the 'best captain' award. Despite their loss, the chimps have vowed to compete in the basketball competition again in the next Olympics.

Captain Sharon Lohan vows to 'fight back' in the next Olympics.

Out of the nine individual events, the big cats only lost two, and those were the events which they had not won in the past Olympics as well. Chimpanzee Lawrence T. Knight beat Jaguar Eugene Laker 6-2, 6-3 in the tennis singles to secure his fourth consecutive Olympic gold medal. In table tennis, despite preliminary cunning play by Leopard Simon Y. Pean, he was outwitted by Wolf Clarence S. Tree with his slow and patient counter moves which left Pean in a state of confusion and impatience as he tried again and again to attack Tree with killer moves. Scores: 21-14, 21-16, 21-15. Tree won retained his gold medal for the sixth consecutive Olympics.

Chimp Lawrence Knight readies himself for the tennis match.

Jag Eugene Laker hiding himself from the cameras after his loss in the tennis match.

Leopard Simon Pean is distraught after his second loss to Wolf Clarence Tree in the table tennis event.

A jubilant Clarence gives his victory call after winning his sixth gold medal in the table tennis event.

Here are the scores for the rest of the events:

Bowling: Lion Thomas H. Poll beat Gazelle Liam H. Dean

Canoeing: Panther Gregory K. Yeltson beat Fox Shawn Connelly

Fencing: Lion Craig S. Sorano beat Chimpanzee Titus B. Shannon

Ice-skating: Tiger Michael Yang beat Wolf Sade K. Timonthy

Javelin: Lion O' Alfred Harry beat Fox Lionel C. Wade

Sailing: Jaguar Harry P. K. beat Chimpanzee Paul L. Good

Shooting: Lynx Sean H. Trump beat Hyena Yang Y. Wiltord.

Comparing this year's Olympics to the previous prestigious sporting event in 2001, it is noticed that although the big cats have won the majority once again, their opponents are beginning to close up the gap, especially seen in the basketball match. Is this a sign that the big cats are faltering? Sports analyst James Ray of the Penguin Parade gives us his verdict.

"I don't think the big cats are experiencing a drop in their performance. Rather it's the other teams who have improved tremendously since the last Olympics. Especially the chimps, they have shown character and leadership while they compete in the sports with quality skills and I think in the next Olympics, we would see a fiercer competition than this year. Hopefully the rest of the teams will be able to win a few more medals from the big cats."

James Ray from the Penguin Parade, before leaving on a voyage.

AH FATT TELL YOU...

2006-03-26T17:51:00.000+08:00

- By Ah Fatt.

The hot topic these two weeks is the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne, Australia. There's news coverages everyday and even live telecasts on tv, but Ah Fatt just not interested to watch.

Not that Ah Fatt is not patriotic of my country. I love Singapore - this is where I can buy my Hainanese chicken rice and laksa and also go to NTUC to do my marketing. If not for Lee Kwan Yew and his PAP, I won't be here talking to you today. I love Singapore for its uniqueness, though I think there should be a better motto the Tourism Board can come up with than "Uniquely Singapore". So boring and difficult to pronounce.

But then, while the media is so hyped-up over our country winning 5 gold medals in table tennis, I dun think it's something worth celebrating. Take a look at the line-up, almost everyone in the women's team is tong kok lang, aka PRC people. They aren't true Singaporeans, even if they have obtained PR or citizenship. True Singaporeans means you are born in Singapore and your father is born in Singapore. Your Ah Gong is another story la, but what I'm trying to say here is that we should try and nurture more local talent rather than scouting overseas for talent and enticing them to come to Singapore. Now Government set-up Sports School, it should make things easier for Sports Council what... Not as if Singapore very lousy in sports lor... ok maybe we're damn CMI ( cannot make it ) in soccer, but we've still got pros in golf, sailing, shooting etc. The Government should further develop our young talents so that next time when we go for overseas competitions and win a medal, we need not be so embarassed of fielding a non-Singaporean team.

The tong kok za boh in the table tennis team haolian-ing their gold medals.

Just like soccer now la. See the EPL and La Liga, got so many foreign players playing for the local clubs. But that one is unrelated la, and I don't want to say further, because the club Ah Fatt supports also got a lot of non-English players. Pai seh...

Not enough time liao, Ah Fatt must go now. See you all next Sunday.

Ah Fatt is Rotters International's very chee-bye Singapore correspondent.

THE SEAL HUNT CONTROVERSY

2006-03-26T14:15:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Yesterday was the start of Canada's contentious seal hunt on the Gulf of St. Lawrence, which has sparked up much controversy after the methods used to kill the seals were widely publicized. Reporters and activists tried to get as close as permitted but their presence angered the hunters, who attacked the group in retaliation.

One sealing vessel charged up to a small inflatable boat carrying protesters and a fisherman flung seal intestines at them.

"They threw carcasses at our Zodiac and they came rushing at us in their boat and tried to capsize us in the wake," Rebecca Aldworth of the Humane Society told the Associated Press. "This is standard behavior out there; the hunters feel that they're completely above the law."

The hunters prefer to use spiked clubs called hakapiks to crush the seals' skulls, rather than possibly damaging the pelts with a bullet to the brain. While the practice appears barbaric to some, veterinarians insist the pick is more humane and efficient?

Efficient? You guys are supposed to save animals and here you are saying that the pick is more efficient in killing seals?

Seals are an endangered species as a result of excessive poaching for their meat, skin and blubber. However the fishermen in the isolated island comunities of Quebec and Newfoundland say the hunt supplements their meager winter incomes, particularly since cod stocks have dwindled dramatically during the past decade. They resent animal activists, who they say have little understanding of their centuries-old traditions.

A seal pup.

Now I see, it's because of you old bastards' centuries-old traditions that killed off so many seals in that timespan of 500 years. Bloody Canadians.

The hunt brought $14.5 million in revenue last year, after some 325,000 seals were slaughtered. Fisherman sell their pelts, mostly for the fashion industry in Norway, Russia and CHINA, as well as blubber for oil, earning about $60 per seal.

The federal government maintains Canada's seal population is healthy and abundant, with a population of 6 million in the Arctic north and maritime provinces. That figure has yet to be proven by researchers. Don't you think 6 million is a ridiculous figure? How did they count all those seals in the freezing temperatures of the Arctic? They used mathematics similar to the method Mr Bean used to count sheep in "Good night, Mr Bean", estimating the number of seals per land area and multiplying it up. As if that way is very accurate. In fact, it seems that the number of seal pups are declining, as according to John Grady, an animal activist. He says he has seen fewer pups on the ice and many have probably died through drowning. Protesters are now calling for a decrease in the 325,000 quota to make up for the natural deaths.

The worse thing is that there are regulations in place for the hunting. Sealers are required to quickly kill the seals with a pick or bullet to the brain. The pups must also be over 2-3 weeks old and have shed their white downy fur before being killed.

Celebrities have even voiced their discontent with the seal hunting. Paul McCartney and his wife had travelled to Gulf of St. Lawrence two weeks ago to pose with the newborn pups. In a video message, the McCartneys proposed that Canada could end the slaughter by offering a license payback program to sealers. French film legend Brigitte Bardot went to Ottawa earlier this week and said she was stunned that a developed nation would let such a practice continue, three decades after she first came to Canada to frolic with some pups in an attempt to end the slaughter.

Rotters Int. was very fortunate to have the opportunity to speak to a seal and its hunter, but not before we were had some guts thrown at us as well. On an ice pan far from human activity, we spoke to Robert, a 2-week-old seal.

Robert the 2-week-old seal.

Rotters Int. : Hi Robert, are you afraid of the hunters?

Robert : Yes of course, that's why I'm hiding here where those bastards won't be able to find me. I've already lost my brother to them so I know what it's like to be captured.

Rotters Int. : Are you taking any preventive measures against being hunted?

Robert: Unfortunately, no. There's nothing which I can do except to be on the constant lookout for the hunters.

Rotters Int. : Do you wish to send a message to Mankind while you are still alive?

Robert: STOP KILLING US!

Rotters Int. : Very well...

Robert : Oh shit, I see one coming! I gotta go!

( Hunter walks up towards reporter with a pick in hand. )

Hunter : You see any seal around here?

Rotters Int. : Erm...no. Sorry.

Hunter : Don't try to fool me, you son-of-a-bitch. You think a old hag like me won't be able to see these tracks on the ice? You are what? Another one of those fucking activists?

Rotters Int. : No, I'm a reporter...

Hunter : Good! I would like you to quote me.

Rotters Int. : Go ahead.

Hunter : You all bloody animal-loving pussy-activists, stop disrupting our daily lives here! We're just trying to make a living. There's no fish here so we have to find other sources of food. Put your ass here for just one day and I bet you gotta find some seals to eat if you don't wanna die of cold and hunger. You hear me?

Rotters Int. : Yes sir, I've written everything that you've just said. Now I have a question for you, don't you think what you all do is very cruel?

Hunter : ( Suddenly bursts into tears ) Yes...actually I don't wanna kill them seals. Everytime I run to them and raise that fucking pick...I look down and see their cute little faces with eyes that plead to you not to hit their heads. But if I don't do what I do, then one day when I go home I won't be able to see those cute little faces of my children...'cause times would be even tougher.
Rotters Int. : Ok...

Hunter : ( raises his pick ) NOW WHERE'S THAT FUCKING SEAL, YOU MORON?

( The hunter spots Robert trying to reach the sea )

Hunter : There you are! ( runs over to Robert ) No no you're not going anywhere! ( Plunges the pick into Robert's head. Robert lies motionless on the ice floor. )

Hunter : Ah Ha Ha! Another sweet sixty-five bucks!

The hunter and Robert.

( Our reporter left the place in disgust. )

Rotters Int. also spoke to a fashion designer in China.

Rotters Int. : Is it true that seals' pelts are a fashion trend in China?

Fashion Designer : Noooooo.....

Rotters Int. : Really?

Fashion Designer : Stop wasting my time, you wang ba dan. I've got business to do.

Rotters Int. : Ok, sorry. Hmm... your clothes look quite nice. Too bad I didn't bring my credit card.

Fashion Designer : Never mind, you seem like nice guy, I give you a seal coat for free! Made with good quality fur from Ca..Ca...Car...

Rotters Int. : Canada.

Fashion Designer : Yes! Yes! Wow, you are so clever!

Chinese fashion designer and his mobile shop. Bloody cheater Chinese bastards...

Osiris is an animal-lover who does not eat shark's fin. He hopes that everyone will not buy products made from endangered animals and also stop eating shark's fin. He believes that when the buying stops, the killing can too.

THIRSTY SEX CRIME SUSPECT ARRESTED

2006-03-19T16:29:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

A South Carolina fugitive who was on the run after sexually assaulting two 17-year-old girls has been arrested after turning up at a relative's house.

Apparently 47-year-old Kenneth Hinson felt thirsty after running through the woods from his residence and reached his relative's house. He thought he might be safe there but it turned out that his relative turned him in to the police, who had been hot on his trail after receiving the 911 call from the girls who were assaulted by Hinson.

When the police finally caught him after 4 days of intense searching, Hinson did not put up any resistance, but he was obviously very thirstly as he asked a police officer for more water. His relative had not given him any since he turned up at her house.

The police officer gave him bottled mineral water before taking him to the police station.

Hinson was charged with two counts of kidnapping, two counts of first-degree sexual assault and two counts of assault and battery with intent to kill. The judge denied him bail and also did not forget to charge the defendant $1.29 for the bottle of mineral water.

The payment was later raised when Hinson requested for a glass water, which he then accidentally spilled onto the prosecutor's notes. Besides paying an additional $5000 for the damages incurred, Hinson was further charged with one count of intentional vandalism.

The jury's decision will be made on the 22nd of March.

Kenneth Hinson

AH FATT TELL YOU...

2006-03-19T15:59:00.000+08:00

Starting from today, Ah Fatt will be having his weekly column which will feature in Rotters Int. on every Sunday.

I dont' know what has gotten to our younger generation these days leh. Now all so violent, vulgar and dirty-minded, they seem to be the evidence of the flaws of our education system.

I'm talking about the infamous "Tammy video" lah. You think I go to that guai lan Guantamano....eh no, Guantamono, eh no, err Guantanamo Bay for so long then I don't know what happened back in Singapore ah? You know the prison inside still got computers and internet one leh, but then when you use the prison guards will watch over you la.

So I checked the Straits Times forum and saw this thread "Tammy...WTF?". I thought it was related to Tammy Flu but after I clicked then I realised what really happened.

Wah.. Of course I was tempted to go and search for the video la...you know prison is damn sian one lor, they lock you up in this cell without any windows and only open up when they want to interrogate you again. All your pleasures and desires are deprived; the only thing close to porn was the group shot of naked Taliban people. I tell you, that incident was very sick. I don't like it. Luckily they never ask me to take part.

So I tried to type in "Tammy NYP video" in Google, but that ang moh keep looking at my computer monitor, so in the end I just surfed CNN lor.

Firstly, I think the girl is damn suay to have her phone stolen, then her precious video uploaded to the net.

Secondly, I don't undertstand why she could think of filming her "bed-activity' with her boyfriend. Don't forget, she's only 17-years-old leh. This reflects how much our younger generation already know. Maybe next time my son will know everything about the birds and the bees when he's just born. But whether I'll even get married is another question which we'll leave aside.

When I walk on the streets, I never fail to hear the words "Fuck", "Kanina", "Ji Bai" and such vulgarities, then when I thought that they had come from the mouth of a typical coffee-shop Ah Pek, I would be shocked to find students still clad in their uniforms, regardless of their age and gender. Some even come from reputable institutions; once I saw this boy clad in white top and blue three-quarter pants shouting into his phone, "Eh you fucking ji bai, I wait for you like twenty minutes you still haven't come, you damn guai lan you know." And come to think that students from his school should speak in fluent English.

I don't really have much to say about the education system in Singapore. One, I don't really like the idea of the-you-know-what-race heading the ministry, and second I think Singapore on one hand is trying to open up but then they still damn si-si. Where the fuck is our chewing gum, may I ask?

I really like the idea of me having a column, 'cause this is where I can really post my thoughts. You asking me to blog? No thanks. Ah Fatt got better things to do than doing something which is damn risky in Singapore. Just mention something taboo and your ass will get fried by the Government. And I think mine won't taste good, so why take the risk?

Ah Fatt is Rotters International's very chee-bye Singapore correspondent.

OUR APOLOGIES

2006-03-19T15:49:00.000+08:00

Rotters International wishes to apologize to all readers who have been relatively pissed by the fact that we have not updated our news site for a month. The fact that all our correspondents have been sent to Guantanamo Bay caused the temporary shutdown of this site.

But not to worry, after days of gruelling interrogation and torture by United States Marines, we are proud to say that we have been released from the prison in one piece and can now return to work.

However R.I. also wishes to inform all readers about another temporary closure in May, the reason being that we will be conducting our annual general meeting.

Regards,
Osiris

SUBSCRIBE TO ROTTERS INT. UPDATES

2006-02-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

In a bid to garner more reading support, Rotters International has set-up a mailing list system. If you wish to be informed about news updates on our blog, then drop us an email with your email address and we will add you to the mailing list. Once a new article is up you will be notified via email. But keep in mind that you will get as many email notifications as news articles posted.

And please recommend Rotters International to your friends and other bloggers / netizens. We really need more viewership. Thank you.

INTERVIEW WITH JOANNA DARK

2006-02-06T20:08:00.001+08:00

TECHNOLOGY

- reported by Ah Fatt.

The Xbox 360 game Perfect dark Zero will be shipping to Singapore together with Xbox 360 sets when the next-gen console is launched here on March 2. Microsoft has started their month-long campaign to promote the Xbox 360 and our sexy hero of the game Joanna Dark has come to the sunny island to help Microsoft.

Perfect Dark Zero for the Xbox 360.

Our very chee-bye Singaporean correspondent Ah Fatt caught up with the redhead femme fatale at E2MAX @ Cineleisure Orchard where she was playing Dead or Alive Ultimate on the Xbox. Ah Fatt invited her to the F&B joint inside the gaming centre and ordered a healthy fruit platter for both of them to share while Ah Fatt tried to dig up more about the game and Joanna herself.

Joanna: Thanks for ordering the fruit platter. It's really healthy food for a soldier like me.

Joanna Dark from Perfect Dark Zero.

Ah Fatt: Heh...no probrem! The pineapple rings are very nice man...(softly) and also the same shape of your...

Joanna Dark: I beg your pardon?

Ah Fatt: Oh...ah never mind lah. (chuckles cheekily) Ok so can you tell us more about your role in the game Perfect Dark Zero?

Joanna Dark: I am a super spy in the period of time before I became wrapped up with the Carrington Institute in my battle against dataDyne, an evil corporation. Actually I think what I've said is difficult to comprehend so let me put it in simpler terms - I am a super spy in the future who fights an evil corporation. Ahaa that's better, ain't it?

Ah Fatt: Yah, not to mention that you're a chio bu in the future too.

Joanna Dark: Huh? Sorry..?

Ah Fatt: Oh, erm so it's like the previous game on the Nintendo 64 isitt?

Joanna Dark: Basically yes, but of course the graphics are much better on the Xbox 360 and enemy A.I. is much smarter too.

Ah Fatt: And you will look more chio too... Being one of the more famous female heros in video games this year, do you see Lara Croft as a rival to your popularity or even your mission assignments?

Joanna Dark: If I ever have to raid any tombs, I'm sure our paths will cross. Until then, I'm pretty sure we're safe in our own worlds. I'm way way ahead of her time, remember that.

Lara Croft from Tomb Raider.

Ah Fatt: What about Aeon Flux and Elektra? People see a bit of both of them in you. Do those comparisons hurt ah?

Joanna Dark: If they're not meant with hurt in mind, then no, I'm comfortably alright.

Ah Fatt: What does that star tattoo on your neck signify? I think my friend from Geylang 369 also has it, but his is on his shoulder.

Joanna Dark: It's the Seattle Slayers' mark - you know, their deathmatch team? I got it when I was going to the tryouts, only I didn't get to try out because my dad got called away and we had to go to a job in Buenos Aires.

Ah Fatt: Wa kao, don't tell me Ah Teh also from deathmatch team one ah? Do you know Ah Teh? The guy with the craters on his face formed by pimples...

Joanna Dark: Look, he's probably a fan of my game and got it from some tattoo shop.

Ah Teh, Ah Fatt's buddy from Geylang 369.

Ah Fatt: Eh what kind of weapons do you prefer?

Joanna Dark: For much of my work I like to use pistols as they're light yet powerful, and easy to reload. However when the bad guys are lining up to take shots at you, you've got to kick back and that's when the little black number with an underslung grenade launcher comes in.

Ah Fatt: Wah, you seem quite xiong, can you take out a guy with one move?

Joanna Dark: Sure I can. I turn him down.

Ah Fatt: Ouch! Single is not good la... Erm what's your favourite swimwear? Bikinis or tankinis?

Joanna Dark: It's usually a wetsuit, but if they can make a bikini with enough pockets for my mission gear, then heck, I'll the first in queue.

Ah Fatt: (wipes away the drool at the corner of his mouth) What do you do for leisure?

Joanna Dark: Deathmatch. The only thing outside of combat operations that gives me a rush.

Ah Fatt: Kaoz...there're much more fun things to do than deathmatch leh! If you want, maybe Ah Fatt can invite you to my place for dinner and after that, we can do some interesting activities. And handcuffs will definitely give you a rush. (grins cheekily)

Joanna Dark: (points her grenade launcher at Ah Fatt) Wipe that grin off that face, you perv.

Ah Fatt: (raises his hands in the air) Relax leh! And I thought you said you like to use pistols? Why you point that grenade launcher at me ah? I not even shooting at you sia!

Joanna Dark: 'Cause I don't want your ugly face to make a mess out of this nice flooring. A grenade launcher would just vapourize it.

A preview of what would happen to Ah Fatt's face should Joanna fire her grenade launcher.

Ah Fatt: Eh eh eh Ah Fatt not that ugly lah! Maybe I never use enough SK-II...Err Are there plans for a moive yet, like Tomb Raider and Aeon Flux?

Joanna Dark: It's quiet right now, but I'd rather they don't put me on the big screen, 'cause I think Hollywood will screw it up.

Ah Fatt: Body stats please - Height, weight and sexual orientation.

Joanna Dark: (points the grenade launcher at Ah Fatt's mouth) Hey! That's intrusive!

Ah Fatt: Eek! I think I scared of you liaoz. Ok last question before we go. How do we stalk, eh.., i mean contact you? You got fanbase or not?

Joanna Dark: Try www.perfectdarkzero.com for starters.

Ah Fatt: Ceh!

VIDEO OF STUDENT TERRORISTS

2006-02-05T15:57:00.000+08:00

HOME

- reported by Ah Fatt.

Strangely our news article with the video was deleted from our database. While security staff is investigating this suspected case of security breach, Rotters International will upload the video once more.

This video contains graphic scenes which may seem offensive by some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

If the video is unable to play or takes a long time to load, please make sure that you have the latest Macromedia Flash Player installed and that your internet connection is broadband. If it still fails, please notify us immediately.

This video may not be republished without the permission of the anonymous owner. Rotters International does not claim responsibility for the ownership of this video.

HENRY SCORES 200 FOR GUNNERS

2006-02-05T15:04:00.000+08:00

SPORT

- reported by Osiris.

For the first time since the match against Charlton on Boxing Day, Arsenal have recorded an away win after 2 league defeats and exits from the Carling Cup and FA Cup.

Arsenal went to St. Andrews Stadium with 8 regular defenders ruled out of the match, leaving Wenger with no option but to send in a make-shift defense with an averaging age of 21 and comprising of 2 midfielders. Freddie Ljungberg and Robin van Persie were rested while Robert Pires started on the bench, but Jose Antonio Reyes and Csec Fabregas both came back from suspension.

To be honest, none of our staff watched the game and only Osiris listened to the commentary on the BBC, so Rotters International is unable to give you the full events which happened during the game.

Emmanuel Adebayor made his debut for Arsenal after returning from Togo's elimination from the African Cup of Nations. The former Monaco player's performance was impressive considering that he resumed training with the Gunners three days ago and in the 21st minute he scored a header, the ball coming from another Arsenal youth Abou Diaby's rebound following Thierry Henry's instinctive flick.

Emmanuel Adebayor is congatulated after putting the Gunners 1-0 up.

Arsenal continued to apply the pressure but Birmingham did have a few chances wasted. Jermaine Pennant was eager to shine against his former club and his cross was nearly headed home by Emile Hesky.

Adebayor could have made it 2-0 when he received a good ball from Reyes. However after running in front of goal, his shot was not powerful enough and Taylor saved comfortably.

3 minutes past the hour, skipper Henry scored. He latched onto a slide-pass by Fabregas and lashed a shot to beat Taylor and make it 2-0. That goal also set a new record for Henry and Arsenal - the Frenchman is the first Arsenal player to score 200 goals for the club. Coincidentally, back in 2003, Henry's goal against Birmingham made it a 100 goals scored by the striker.

Henry celebrates his 200th goal for Arsenal.

Birmingham made a tactical change by substituting Mikael Forssell with DJ Campbell, the latter playing his first Premiership match. He created some trouble for the Arsenal back-four with his charging and crosses but the defenders held on strongly to their 2-goal lead.

A goal for Birmingham would have pleased the fans but things got worse for Steve Bruce when Emile Hesky receiveda second yellow card after knocking into Flamini in the 83rd minute and was sent off. Hesky was booked earlier for fouling Senderos and the player was unwilling to leave the pitch even though referee Mike Reily had shown him the red card. In the end his manager had to drag him away from the field.

Hesky refuses to leave after being shown the red card by Mike Reily.

So the final whistle blew and the Gunners recorded their first away win since Boxing Day and Theirry Henry set yet another remarkable record for a remarkable player. Arsenal are still in the race for a Champions League spot, one point behind 4th-placed Tottenham who play Charlton tonight. The Gunners have a game in hand and must use it to their advantage if they want to play European football next season.

Arsene Wenger was pleased with his team's performance, given that the back-four was a makeshift one.

"We had 8 players under 21 out there but they did very well. It was a great team performance and the team can be very proud."

On Emmanuel Adebayor, who scored on his debut, "He brought a great presence to us. He added size to the team and that was important in this kind of game."

"It was all about winning challenges in the air. I think Thierry took advantage of his presence as well."

Steve Bruce was left fuming after the send-off of Emile Hesky. When asked for comment, the Birmingham manager grumbled, "Fuck off, I'm not in a good mood."

Osiris is an Arsenal fan and believes that Tottenham does not deserve a Champions League spot. He hopes that Arsenal can win the Champions League this season even though their European form sucks.

TERROR IN SINGAPORE

2006-02-03T22:00:00.000+08:00

HOME

- reported by Ah Fatt.

Either there is a new film being produced, or terrorists have established a training camp in Singapore.

Rotters International received a video from an anonymous source. The video showed students actively involved in a live-fire exercise at a undisclosed location. This came as a shock to the news organisation, and R.I. decided to investigate this matter further by informing the Ministry of Education and the Singapore Police Force.

Said a spokesman from the ministry, "This is a very serious matter and in view to the uprising of terrorism in South-East Asia, we will definitely probe further into this case and stop students from participating in such activities."

The Singapore Police Force gave a different opinion, "I think these kids were just having some fun. We cannot say that these children are terrorists just by these little acts. Remember the 1997 Jason Tan incident? The policemen who arrested Jason were nearly charged for falsely accusing the 8-year-old boy of trying to rob a bank when he was just asking the teller how to pull the stuck trigger."

Rotters International cannot broadcast the video now as it is deemed too sensitive for young viewers. But we are pushing the authorities to give us clearance. Stay tuned!

UBISOFT'S UPCOMING RELEASES

2006-02-03T20:25:00.000+08:00

TECHNOLOGY

- reported by Ah Fatt.

Number 2 video game publisher Ubisoft has announced some new releases of game titles for spring 2006.

First is the long-awaited PC version of Rainbow Six: Lockdown, which will be released on February 7. Fans of the tactical-shooter series were greatly disappointed when Ubisoft chose to release the console version of the 4th instalment in the Tom Clancy video game franchise last year.

In Rainbow Six: Lockdown, players assume the role of Ding Chavez who is the team leader of Rainbow. He leads his team-mates to stop a dangerous enemy who is targeting Rainbow. In one mission, Rainbow's sniper Dieter Weber is captured by terrorists and Chavez must lead his team to rescue him.

Actual screenshot.

Ah Fatt spoke to Benjamin Lim, 15, from Singapore, who is a long-time fan of the Rainbow Six series.

Ah Fatt: Now that the Lockdown game got PC version one, are you going to buy or not?

Ben: Yea, I'll most probably buy the game. I've played all the past games on PC with the exception of Black Thorn, Covert Ops and Urban Ops, starting with the original Rainbow Six and up to 2003's Raven Shield.

Ah Fatt: What do you think about the Xbox version of the game ah?

Ben: To hell with the console! I don't understand how can anyone play a shooter game using two analog sticks and a few buttons! It's simply ridiculous, and it is an insult to the diehard PC fans who constitute 99.9% of the Rainbow Six fanbase.

Ah Fatt: Wa...so ji dong! Relax sia! Ok la, have fun when you buy it next week.

Ben: Thanks.

However after playing the single-player demo of Rainbow Six: Lockdown, Benjamin called Rotters International up to change his view on the game.

Ah Fatt: So how's the game ah?

Ben: It's not really that nice. They kicked out so many players like Homer Johnston (sniper) and assign you a stupid team comprising of Loiselle, Yacoby with a shotgun and Raymond with her machine gun for an urban mission! What bulls*** is that? And then there's no tactical planning - you just basically go around and shoot terrorists while reaching your objectives. It's like Black Hawk Down! What an insult to the Rainbow Six series! The games just get worse!

A very ji-dong Benjamin.

So Benjamin will not be buying Rainbow Six: Lockdown. He is deciding between Forza Motorsport and Full Spectrum Warrior: Ten Hammers, which is suposedly to be released on March 22.

The next Ubisoft game to be released is Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter. Ah Fatt had a sneak preview of the game courtesy of Ubisoft, and the graphics on the Xbox 360 were simply stunning. Ah Fatt rates it a 8.5 out of 10.

Box-art of Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter

Actual screenshot.

Finally there is the 4th instalment in the Splinter Cell franchise. Ubisoft had created wonders when it released the first Splinter Cell game in 2002 and continue to do so, their latest release being Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory in March last year. Master-spy Agent Sam Fisher is back for more action, but this time he will be a double agent in a terrorist organization called John Brown's Army, which is operating on American soil. Players will choose between moral values and decide whether they should help the good or evil. The game has multiple endings and the recent trailers just make the game more mysterious. Not much media has been released and fans just keep speculating what they would see in the game.

While Splinter Cell: Double Agent was slated for a March release this year, Ubisoft announced that they had pushed back Double Agent's release date to September 2006. Rumour has it that the September release was supposed to be in line with the worldwide release of the next-gen Sony Playstation 3. There is little word about Double Agent on the PS3 till date.

Splinter Cell: Double Agent screenshot

Ah Fatt spoke to Benjamin once again, who is also a hardcore Splinter Cell fan.

Ah Fatt: So now Ubisoft pushed back the release date to September, what do you have to say?

Ben: Ta ma de! I thought I could play the game during the March hols, but now it's been pushed back to September, and that's when my common tests are going to commence. What the hell...but never mind, I'll just keep waiting for more info about the game. Seriously, this game is going to rock.

Ah Fatt shall now return to playing Maple Story.

Rotters International offers its deepest apologies for not updating our website for the past few days. The reason for our temporary closure was that our staff was actively involved in a 3-day festival known as the Ang-Pow Collection, which is celebrated in conjunction with Gamble-With-Your-Relatives Festival and the Eat-All-The-Junk Day. But not to worry, Rotters International is back in action, so be sure to hear from us frequently.

BURGER KING SUES MACS

2006-01-26T21:09:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Just 2 days ago, Rotters International reported that Jonathan Hopkins filed a lawsuit against American fast-food chain Burger King for 'cheating his money'.

Today we just received news that Burger King is now planning to sue the red-haired clown in the orange jumpsuit.

Burger King was reportedly displeased by the amount of trouble caused by McDonalds' due to its $2.80 set meal. Hopkins compared Burger King's three-dollar Whopper meal to McDonalds' and thought that the former was charging him more.

Said Greg Brenneman, C.E.O of Burger King, "I think food is not just about price wars, it's about being able to produce an edible product of high quality which will please your customers."

"McDonalds' certainly has the edge in financial strategy, but they have certainly lost out in making the better burger."

McDonalds' responded to Brenneman almost immediately. In a statement by Chief Executive Officer Charlie Bell, the worldwide popular fast food chain criticized Burger King, "Brenneman may be right about food, but there is no doubt that he is contradicting himself in what his chain can offer. If a beef patty can be so thin, I wonder what will happen to the fries. People might be eating fried string beans instead."

Bell has decided to take up Burger King's challenge and is also offering to back Hopkin's lawsuit against Brenneman. If the two do meet in court, it will be the first time these 2 fast food giants have gone head-on in the courtroom.

The 2 fast food giants will go head-to-head in the US Supreme Court of Justice.

SEX.com SOLD FOR $12 MILLION

2006-01-26T20:41:00.001+08:00

TECHNOLOGY

- reported by Osiris.

Sex.com, long coveted as potentially one of the most lucrative sites on the Web because of its catchy name, has been sold for $12 million in cash and stock.

Gary Kremen, chief executive of Grant Media LLC and the founder of Match.com, sold the address to a group of anonymous buyers. Terms of the transaction were not disclosed.

The domain is seen as one of the most recognizable and therefore finacially most promising names but does not currently have much content. The new owners, however, released an anonymous statement saying that they plan to transform Sex.com into "the market-leading adult entertainment destination" and include much more content.

Rotters International believes that Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi would have been involved in the transaction as his name appeared in Kremen's papers. Kremen was cautious enough to delete the identities of Sex.com's buyers before handing us the documents. Koizumi's name was noted, along with Mitsubishi UFJ Financial, the world's largest bank.

Either the Prime Minister authorized the use of the bank as a medium for the transaction, or that he was a subscriber on Sex.com. Rotters International was unable to get the subscription list.

AL-ZAWAHIRI TO WORK FOR DISNEY CHANNEL

2006-01-24T15:34:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

As reported 3 days ago, Al-Qaeda's number 2 al-Zawahiri was believed to have been offered a contract by the Disney Channel to read children's poems.

Yesterday Rotters International was fortunate to have been given the opportunity to meet up with the Egyptian doctor and confirm the rumours.

At a Spinelli coffehouse in Kabul, Afghanistan, al-Zawahiri was excited to tell us about his new job.

"It's wonderful to read poems, especially to children! I used to read bedtime poems and rhymes to my son. But now that he's all grown up, I recite them to al-Syafiq's son. He loves them very much!"

He added, "It's pays more than staying in that stupid cave making lame and fake death threat videos."

He would not reveal the exact details of his contract, but mentioned that it was a 6-figure yearly pay for 3 years.

A spokesman for the Disney Channel said they were now actively involved in filming the new children's show and the earliest release date would be October 16th 2006.

Said Wang Zhikai, 15, from Singapore, who is a huge fan of the Disney Channel, "It's really cool to see al-Zawahiri reading my favourite poems like 'Itsy-Bitsy Spider' and 'Humpty-Dumpty'. I can't wait to catch it on the Disney Channel when it comes out. She-go rocks!"

Rotters International regrets to inform our readers that we have been receiving a number of letters and phone calls from the CIA following our interview with al-Zawahiri. Rotters Int. would like to take this opportunity to debunk any rumours that we are working with Al-Qaeda. We are just trying to get the news first and first-hand. Rotters Int. would also like to admit that Spinelli's coffee sucks and Starbucks would have made a better choice, but the latter did not set-up an outlet in Kabul.

MAN SUES BURGER KING

2006-01-24T15:19:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

A 45-year-old man has allegedly filed a lawsuit against one of the leading fast food chains in the world - Burger King.

Jonathan Hopkins from Pennsylvania is suing the American fast food chain for cheating him of his money.

In a statement he said that Burger King "as a reputable name has disappointed me with its menus". Hopkins was upset that he was charged $3.00 for a Whopper meal when the McDonalds' next door was promoting their new menu at $2.80.

"It saddens me that although it is the same type of food [burger] Burger King decides to cheat its customers and not respecting them."

Jonathan also said that the beef from Burger King was 'much thinner' than the patty sold by McDonalds'.

Burger King declined to comment on the issue, but from what Rotters International has gathered, the fast food chain is preparing for a big fight in court. If it turns out ugly, expect lettuce, tomatoes and of course beef to be flying in the courtroom.

Burger King is currently selling their Whopper meal at $3.00 while rivals McDonalds's new menu includes their new beef burger, super-large fries and hyper-tall coke for only $2.80. Both have yet to be sampled by Rotters International.

BIN LADEN'S NO. 2 RELEASES POEM

2006-01-21T21:23:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Following the Jan 13 attack on a suspected Al-Qaeda meeting, the terrorist organization has released yet another videotape featuring Al-Qaeda's number 2 al-Zawahiri reciting poetry to jihadists.

There were no references to any recent events made in the video, so the CIA cannot conclude whether the video is a recent one. Our undercover reporter working in the agency managed to get his hands on the video and relayed the feed back to our headquarters.

The first 5 minutes showed the Egyptian doctor trying his best to read the works of Shakespeare. His English was not very good and he had trouble pronouncing some of the words. For example, when he said 'Thy' Rotters International initially mistaken it for 'Die'. So what we heard was "Die loaf Die-Self", which actually should mean "Thy love Thyself".

After struggling with old British poems, al-Zawahiri started to read his own poems. He excitedly introduced his English pieces "Sunsets" and "To bomb or be bombed" to the camera. Rotters International could only present the latter, because we could not make out a single word which he said in the first poem.

"To bomb or be bombed" by al-Zawahiri.

The ground shakes violently,
while I crap in my cave.
It is so strong
it knocks me off my potty.

Alfadi runs into my toilet
shouting that the birds have flown in from the West
crapping outside our cave non-stop
and then returning back to their nest.

I tell Alfadi to call Mustafa
and instruct him to start the counter-attack.
The Capitalist pigs think they are the winners
but we have yet to fuck them in the arse.

While the bombs rained on us,
somewhere in the US
we carry out Allah's plan
to eradicate the evil empire.

The faggot Ronald McDonald loses his hair
as we detonate the first one.
But the formula must have been wrong
as the rest of the restaurant remains intact.

Alfadi tries to reach Mustafa
but there is no signal in the cave.
So he walks out of our camp to get better reception
and gets hit by a Capitalist JDAM.

We hold a quick funeral for Alfadi.
He risked his life for Allah
but his stupidity ended it
in a bang.

Somehow the NYPD was quick.
Mustafa was arrested on the spot
but they didn't know that there was one more c4 on him
and he blew everyone up.

The next 3/4 of the poem is full of crap, so Rotters International decided against posting further. From here we can see that al-Zawahiri's command of the English language has greatly improved, though there is still room for improvement. Ah Fatt, you have got competition.

We have just received word that al-Zawahiri has been offered a 2-year contract at Disney Channel to read children's poems. Rotters International will try our best to contact him for confirmation. Do stay tuned to R.I. for the latest updates.

al-Zawahiri recites "Sunsets", one of 2 poems written by himself. We have an inkling feeling that he received help from William Wordsworth.

ELVIS LIVES!

2006-01-21T20:51:00.000+08:00

ENTERTAINMENT

- reported by Da Vinci
Las Vegas, USA--- A strange sight greeted many at the MGM-Mirage Casino in Las Vegas last night. Elvis was seen alive and well and gambling his money away at the BlackJack table. Still dressed up in his white jumpsuit and gelled hair, "he waltzed into the foyer like he owned the damn place." said a security guard who wishes to remain anonymous.

According to many patrons of the casino that day, Elvis looked like he had not aged a day and had retained his stunning looks, pot-bellied, double-chinned and smelling of beer. When asked where he had been all these years and how come no one had heard of him until now, Elvis told Rotters reporter Andrews Mil what conspiracy theorists had hypothesized all along. Aliens had heard one of his songs when scanning radiowave frequencies and had mistaken the lyrics as an insult to their race and hence swooped down and zapped him aboard the ship where he received an Ass Probe.

"It was most painful." he said, grimacing while rubbing his butt.

When asked how come he could afford to spend so much gambling now since he had been gone for so long and was poor, he replied, "Interest over 60 odd years."

However, the night ended in tragedy when, filled with Vodka, Elvis got up on the stage and performed one of his songs. So horrible was his singing that it caused a riot of the likes the world had never seen before as thousands of patrons yanked him off the stage and stoned him to death with plastic gambling chips. Apparently, he had lost his voice when he was probed. Well, at least we now know he is truly dead...or is he? After the stoning, when forensics teams arrived on the seen to inspect the carnage, Elvis Presley's body was no where to be found. Has he been zapped by aliens again? We may never know.

PLUTO MISSION TAKES OFF

2006-01-20T21:46:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

NASA successfully launched its Pluto Exploration Programme today.

The rocket blasted off the Texas launch pad at 1330hrs local time, carrying with it the Doggy-II spacecraft, the brainwork of 10 scientists and veterinarians.

Doggy-II will take at least 9yrs to reach the planet, powered by solar energy. When it reaches the 9th planet of the solar system, the probe will attempt to enter the planet's atmosphere and analyse air samples.

The objective of the Pluto Exploration Programme was to find a partner for Mickey's long-time pet dog Pluto, who has remained single all these years.

The rocket carrying Doggy-II blasts off for planet Pluto.

"I've always wanted Pluto to have a companion, and NASA will help fulfill my dog's dream!" Mickey was excited when interviewed just before take-off.

Scientists believe that Pluto is home to only 1 species of dog, which is Pluto's breed named Canine Plutonius. Doggy-II will analyse each female dog carefully to determine which is worthy of becoming Pluto's wife. When one is found, the probe will open up a cage and lock the dog inside, then using jet propulsion of doggy fart it will launch itself back into space where it will dock with the mothership.

The cage is stocked with bones, meat, water and Pedigree, so Pluto's wife will feel very comfortable. Veterinarians have come up with a nutritious formula in the dog food so that Pluto's wife will not fall sick during the 9-year journey back to Earth.

When asked for comment, Pluto replied, "Woof Woof!"

Pluto will be married in 18 years time.

BEST CHICKEN RICE FOUND

2006-01-20T18:05:00.000+08:00

HOME

- reported by Ah Fatt, also known as the very chee-bye Singapore correspondent.

Ho seh man! Lim peh has found the best chicken rice in town!

Last time Ah Fatt cannot find nice chicken rice. Outside hawker centre sell $3.50 to $4, wa lau eh, either rice too oily or chicken too hard or chilli boh spicy one. Mandarin Hotel's Chatterbox even better - $18 for one plate, which comes with a clear soup with few bits of tofu and 3 different sauces. It wasn't so bad, until the chef got sacked by the hotel. Ta ma de. Now the chef plan to open up his own stall and sell the chicken rice at cheap cheap price, though the size will be small small one.

Until he sets up his stall, there won't be any more good chicken rice, I thought. That was before I went to my grandmother's house yesterday.

Chinese New Year around the corner mah, so I decided to visit my grandparents. I don't know what my Ah Ma was cookin until she served the food to us. Wa seh, it's chicken rice and it smelt damn bloody good.

I immediately tucked into the fragrant rice which was cooked with fresh chicken stock and oil. The meat was damn soft and tender, it like melted in my mouth lor. And my Ah Ma was the best with her chilli sauce, even Ahmad's nasi lemak's sambal cannot compete.

I finished my food without leaving behind any scrap. Licking my lips clean, I thanked my Ah Ma for the wonderful dinner and suggested she open up a stall.

My Ah Ma.

"No need lah," she said. "I old alledi."

But after much persuasion from her grandson, she agreed to start a business.

So all you people out there, if you die die want to eat the best chicken rice, I suggest you drop by BLK 493 Toa Payoh Ave 4 #03-56. Ring the doorbell and be patient because my Ah Ma is slow in her movement. The chicken rice is free, although you will have to help out with some of the household chores first, because she is too old to manage by herself.

My Ah Ma's house is somewhere here.

Rotters International wishes to apologize for Ah Fatt's poor command of the English language. He is trying his best to improve and has shown remarkable achievements in sentence structuring recently. One must remember that Ah Fatt comes from a Chinese-speaking family and only received English education when he was in Sec 3, hence he nearly failed his GCE'O' Levels. But thanks to his friend's help during the examinations, he scraped through. He currently covers local stories with local flavour, under the title 'chee-bye singapore correspondent'.

BRAD PITT SEEN WITH JENNIFER ANISTON

2006-01-20T16:22:00.000+08:00

ENTERTAINMENT

- reported by Osiris.

Could it be happening? That Brad Pitt is reuniting with his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston?

The duo were spotted having dinner at a restaurant in Marseille, France. The once-superstar couple were engaged in an hour long conversation, with papers laid out on the table, possibly to patch up their divorced relationship.

They left separately at approximately 10:03pm as noted by a paparazzi cameraman. (He does not work for Rotters International, mind you)

Jennifer Aniston was prevented from going back to her hotel room by a paparazzi group of 5 reporters and cameramen who swarmed around her once she got off her taxi. With no choice, she publicly made her statement.

"Yes, Brad and I had dinner together just now. But the rumor about me re-maryring him is absolutely bullshit. We were discussing over unfinished business with regards to the $1000 he lost in a Roulette game while we were in Las Vegas in 2004."

Apparently Brad had make an awful mistake of betting $250 on the number 13, the money borrowed from Jennifer. He lost the money as the white ball landed on number 14 instead. After a couple of rounds, the noob Brad had already lost $1000 which he had not returned Jennifer ever since.

"I realised then that Brad was really a sucker."

Apparently the ex-Friends star sued her ex-husband for not paying up what he owed her. To save his face from the front page of the papers, Brad paid up quietly at the restaurant.

However that did not save him from making the headlines on Rotters International.

On Brad's current relationship with Tomb Raider star Angelina Jolie, Anniston said coldly, "I don't understand how that bitch managed to get pregnant."

A Jennifer-Brad reconcilation? Aniston says no-no.

NOKIA CUTS JOBS, SACKS CHIEF DEISGNER

2006-01-20T15:39:00.000+08:00

BUSINESS

- reported by Osiris.

Nokia, the world's number 1 mobile phone manufacturer has announced plans to cut almost 2000 jobs at its base in Helsinki, Finland.

The reason was that Nokia saw a slump in shares and profits in Q4 of 2005, supposedly caused by the drop in sales of Nokia phones. Consumers were more attracted to the unique and stylish designs of Korean manufacturer Samsung and Japan's Sony Ericsson.

And the cause for Nokia's design flaws would be its Chief Designer Greg Horman. Horman, who has worked with the Finnish company for almost seven years, played an important role in Nokia's success in previous years with his then-trendy designs, for example the 8250 and 6610, which had earned the title of 'most basic and user-friendly phones'.

However as the IT industry progresses into the next stage, Horman's designs still remained almost the same as that 1999 drawing board, except for a few external changes.

While Nokia had introduced its brand-new N-Series, which features the 2-megapixel video phone N90 along other N-models, sales were not as what Nokia had expected.

"It's disappointing. The figures are a record low, while they [Samsung] enjoy high profits. It must be the design of our phones." said Jorla Ollila, CEO of Nokia.

"Horman tried his very best to revolutionize the phone concept, but somehow it didn't work out the way he wanted, and the profits didn't go the direction we wanted. So we had no choice but to sacrifice a talented company asset."

The Nokia N90. Who would waste so much money for a video-camera phone which looks quite ordinary?

Horman could not be reached for comment, possibly locking himself in his bedroom and crying at press time after receiving the news of his sacking.

Rotters International decided to conduct a survey to find out whether Nokia phones were losing its popularity. The results were astonishing.

Percentage who dislike Nokia:
US : 67%
UK : 69%
Japan : 99%
South Korea : 95%
Australia : 73%

We were unable to obtain the results from Singapore at press time as our very chee-bye correspondent was sleeping on the job. But not to worry, after being given a stern warning, he has vowed to be more hardworking.

How the almost-2000 retrenched workers will cope is unknown, but Nokia says that they are looking into the matter seriously and will make sure that every ex-employee will be able to find another job in the similar job sector.

Samsung's spokesman was undoubtedly delighted when he spoke to Rotters International.

"It goes to show that our concepts and designs are modern and stylish and appeal to the common people. We don't need to go to extremes like Carl Zeiss lens to sell well."

The Samsung e760. What no need to go to extremes - what use does the motion recognition technology have? Another ploy to cheat our money right?

EPL BIG CLUBS COMING TO S'PORE

2006-01-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

SPORT

-reported by Osiris.

Manchester United. Arsenal. Chelsea. Liverpool. In a few weeks or so you might catch the big names of these 4 clubs waking down Orchard Road.

Yes, dear EPL fans. The soccer players who have earned Starhub millions of dollars in subscriptions for the Sports Group are coming to Singapore, together with the respective club boards.

They will be here for a week-long campaign to promote Singapore's revamped S-League, which will see local stars playing at a more professional level.

And the local soccer kits will be bikinis.

The English clubs will also be visiting the Singapore Sports School and various institutions to scout for local talent.

Said Ahmad Bolak, 14, from Woodlands Secondary, "It's damn shiok to know that my favourite Man Utd players are coming. I love to play soccer, and I definitely do my best one when they visit my school lor. I want to play for Man Utd when I grow up! I want to be like Christiano Ronaldo. He very pro!"

Sorry Ahmad, but Rotters International just received word that Man Utd is skipping your school in favour of more renowned institutions like ACS (I) and RI.

Tan Na Bee of the Singapore Sports Council was pleased with the upcoming arrival of the EPL clubs.

"They'll definitely boost Singapore's image as an international hub and will help garner more support from locals for the S-League." he smiled gleefully.

I see dollar-signs rolling in your eyes, Mr Na Bee. Why is that so?

Christiano Ronaldo will turn his back to Ahmad Bolak and Woodlands Secondary when the Red Devils visit Singapore.

KIM JONG IL : CHINA IS A NICE COUNTRY

2006-01-19T21:37:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- reported by Osiris.

Having concluded his trip to Northern China, North Korean President Kim Jong Il seems to love his neighbourly 'big brother'.

The North Korean Foreign Ministry quoted the leader as saying, "China is a wonderful place. The air is fresh and the scenery is beautiful. North Korea and China have a lot in common, but we also have a lot to learn still."

It seems that Kim Jong Il's favourite Chinese dish is stewed pig's brain in snake's blood. He was reported to give 'two thumbs up' after sampling the dish at a village cook hall and asked the chef to serve more.

Kim Jong Il likes to eat stewed pig's brain in snake's blood.

When asked by Rotters International for comment, the Chinese Foreign Ministry appeared to be 'very shocked' and 'disgusted'.

"We appreciate Kim Jong Il's fondness for our country. However as our little brother, he must understand that we do not have a lot in common. We are a big piece of land; he only owns the northern part of an island. Our economy is greatly surging forward; he is still experiencing poverty...OOPS!"

"What the hell? Don't anyhow talk about your big brother!" China's Foreign Ministry spokesman on Kim Jong Il's comments.

On the North Korean leader's love for the exotic Chinese dish:

"He is a stupid idiot. What he tasted was just a mere copycat of what I eat everyday. I always go to this eatout on Lanjiao District called Bin Dai Fong. I have my order braised with monkeys' testicles, which makes the soup much thicker."

Rotters International visited Bin Dai Fong, only to find out that it was a mediocre copycat of the famed Chinese restaurant Din Tai Fung.

The Bin Dai Fong which Rotters International visited, supposedly selling delicious stewed pigs' brains in snake's blood braised with monkeys' testicles.

US TO IRAN : REMOVE NUCLEAR TECHNOLOGY OR BE FUCKED

2006-01-19T21:09:00.000+08:00

WORLD

- Reported by Osiris.

US President George W Bush today sent out a stern warning to Iran regarding its nuclear programme. Iran had caused controversy by restarting its reactors and development centres, which are capable of making nuclear weapons.

"Washington and the rest of the world will not tolerate Iran's ignorance and aggressiveness in the Middle East. They are violating international regulations and pose a serious threat to world peace."

Bush added, "If they do not comply, we will refer them to the UN Security Council. We do not want things to turn out that way but if Iran persists, then we have to take the necessary action."

This was the seventeenth time Washington has warned that they will refer Iran to the UNSC if President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad does not shut down its nuclear programme.

"Force will be used if necessary, and they will be fucked." Bush was noteably aggressive when speaking to reporters. "Don't they remember what happened to their neighbour [Iraq]?"

"Force will be used if necessary, and they will be fucked." George W Bush on Iran.

Ahmadinejad defended his country's rights to nuclear technology.

"We only restarted the nuclear programme for peaceful purposes - energy. Iran needs power and to deprive a country of its survival essentials is to indirectly attack her."

Ahmadinejad also reminded that they were doing all these under the supervision of the International Atomic Energy Agency in a bid to prove that his country was not trying to involve itself in any illegal hostile activities.

IAEA declined to comment on Iran's nuclear programme, but a spokesman told us that Iran must 'be careful'.

However an Iranian source which declined to be identified contacted Rotters International with information about IAEA officers being kept in the dark by Iran and that what the officers see are just 'a curtain to shield the wrongdoings'.

"...to deprive a country of its survival essentials is to indirectly attack her." Mahmoud Ahamdinejad on Iran's right to nuclear technology.

Rotters International Established!

2006-01-19T19:30:00.000+08:00

On the 19th Jan 2006 at 7:29pm, the final html encoding for the website's layout has been concluded.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting to you the newly-founded newswire - Rotters International.

Do check back regularly for news happenings around the world, as you never know when the next breaking news will occur.

And now, for the commercial break.

-- End of transmission --